When Jack was employed at his denomination's headquarters, it was customary
for all employees to pause for prayer each morning at 9:00. A "prayer bell"
signaled the beginning and ending of this daily routine.
Occasionally, though, employees would find themselves on the phone during
prayer time, and the entire office, now quiet, would overhear their
conversation.
One morning during prayer time, a co-worker named Paul could be heard in the
office, shouting, "Hello? Hello? I can hear you. Can you hear me?"
After the ending bell, I overheard someone else comment, "I think Paul's
having a hard time getting through to the Lord this morning."
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In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two bestsellers the
person in front of me was prepared to purchase:
"Conversations With God" and "How to Argue and Win Everytime."
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"What Would Jesus Do?" is a good philosophy for life but I find that it
rarely helps me decide between paper or plastic."
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"Flight Fear"
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
--- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
--- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
--- Don't think of it as getting hot Flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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The Great Poopie
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie comes out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie- The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- Thats where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) - The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet.
Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the public restroom, and there are two people waiting for your stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the water.
I Just Found My Pee-Pee Poopie- The kind where a young teenage boy goes into the bathroom with the new Victoria's Secret catalog, and comes out 10 minutes later without flushing the toilet.
The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to see all the different colors in your poopie, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again.
The Show-And-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with you own poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends can appreciate it too.
Half Poopie- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to bowl and half stays hanging........ ( a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare)
Suprise Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a suprise poopie as a bonus.
Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall asleep.
He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying bright red pressure circle on the back of your legs for all to see.