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Is it just me, or does anyone else find it absolutely amazing that the U.S government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate. They can also track her calves right to their stalls, and tell you what kind of feed they ate.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in their country, including people that are trying to blow up important structures in the U.S.
My solution is to give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the country.
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To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should
switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she
said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested
that she keep their regular container and refill it with
skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"
The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
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Get Moving
While driving with my granddaughter, I was getting annoyed with the driver ahead of me and I said, "Come on Sam, get moving."
The next week we were on the same road again with another slow driver ahead. Again I said, "Come on Sam, get moving."
My granddaughter quickly replied, "That's not Sam. Sam has a blue car."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
Cats are smarter than dogs - you can't get eight cats to pull a sled thru snow.
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Syntax
Syntax is all the money collected at church from sinners.
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(Just a joke...) Love...
New study declares Love a disease; medication may be
available.
Doctors from the University of Allopath have announced
that Love is a disease. It is characterized by
abnormal heart rhythms, sweating, impaired brain
function, incoherent speech patterns and loss of
sleep, among other signs. Thanks to this pioneering
work from researchers sponsored by the leading drug
firm Pferck, researchers have learned that love is a
common biochemical disorder affecting both men and
women of all ages.
Fortunately, it is treatable with prescription drugs.
A new drug, Miserexa, combines beta blockers and antidepressants to alleviate the symptoms of Love. This drug slows the heart and helps patients feel detached from reality, counteracting the unhealthy neediness of Love.
The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the
new drug this week. In a press conference, chief FDA
drug approval scientist Dr. B. Fuddle said, "We are
declaring war on Love, and doing everything in our
power to eradicate Love from the world."
The market for Miserexa is expected to reach six
billion dollars annually. "Love has reached epidemic proportions," explained a public relations representative of Pferk. "If we do not act immediately to thwart the spread of this disease, Love will run rampant, and we will be facing an epidemic of Love in the world."
Health researchers first became aware of the disease
after being alerted to symptoms of Love by the
psychiatry community, which has been instrumental in
the detection and aggressive treatment of this
dangerous condition with brain-altering drugs. "We
were seeing it in an alarming number of patients,"
explained one psychiatrist, "and it was causing untold suffering in their lives. Fortunately, the condition can now be chemically corrected."
Further study revealed that Love is highly contagious.
It can apparently spread from one person to another,
although the mechanism of transmission is currently
unknown (scientists suspect it may be spread on toilet
seats and doorknobs). Love also spreads easily from
mother to child, especially in newborns.
Interestingly, Love has no effect on landlords and
corporate CEOs, who seem to possess some unknown
immunity to the disease.
Given the expanding threat of this disease, doctors
stress it is important that all adults get screened
for Love as soon as possible. Hospitals and clinics
are now setting up Love screening programs in the
hopes of catching the disease early and treating it aggressively with targeted pharmaceuticals. "Nearly half the population may now be suffering from Love," said Dr. Fuddle, "and we estimate more than 90% of the carriers are currently going without treatment. It is important that we provide screenings and treatment on a population-wide basis."
If Love is not detected and treated in its early
stages, it can advance to the point where the only
solution is surgery. In such severe cases of Love,
skilled surgeons perform a cardiectomy (a surgical
removal of the heart). The procedure is risky, and
many patients have died on the operating table, but
many more have been successfully saved from the
ravages of Love by the skillful blade of a
compassionate surgeon.
The American Misery Association (AMA), whose mission
is to find the cure for Love, is working hard to help
educate the general public to watch for early signs of
Love. People are urged to conduct a Love
self-examination in the privacy of their own homes,
and to watch out for the classic symptoms of Love:
racing pulse, sweaty palms, inability to speak in
coherent sentences, or confusion around certain
attractive individuals. People are also taught how to
avoid giving Love to others -- an important step in
halting the spread of this disease.
If you suspect that you or someone you tolerate might
be suffering from Love, don't wait. Treatable is
available. Don't let Loved ones suffer any longer.
This press release is brought to you by Pferck, where
today's rip-off drug prices fund tomorrow's profit
miracles.
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A young executive
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he
found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in
his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make
this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside
the machine. "I just need one copy..."