Rules
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fisherman
The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.
Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."
"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Polar Bear
A baby polar bear comes up to his mother and asks, "Momma,
am I a polar bear?"
"Why, yes, son, of course you are a polar bear," she
replies, sending him out to play.
Several minutes later, he returns. "Momma, are you
absolutely sure I am a polar bear?"
"Yes, son, absolutely sure. Now go and play."
Several minutes later, he returns asking, "Momma, you're
sure I'm 100% polar bear?"
"Yes, son, 100% polar bear. I'm 100% polar bear, your father
is 100% polar bear, and all of your grandparents are 100%
polar bear," she responded proudly. "Now go out and play."
Several minutes later he returns again. "Momma, you are
absolutely sure that I am a polar bear? No mixture at all? I
wasn't adopted? I really am 100% polar bear?"
"Yes, son, of course," she replied. "Why do you keep
asking?"
"Because Momma ... I'm cold!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Since childhood is a time when kids prepare to be grown ups,
I think it makes a lot of sense to completely traumatize your
children. Gets 'em ready for the real world" --George Carlin
***
"I took my parents back to the airport today. They're flying
home tomorrow." --Margaret Smith
***
"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question
I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend
their weekends with?" --Rita Rudner
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Last summer my wife and I met a couple who were friends of my
wife at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to go
shopping, and I invited the man to go sailing. While we were
out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and
we were down wind trying to work our way back through a narrow
channel. At one point the boat grounded and we had to climb
overboard and shove with all our might to get it back in deep
water.
As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind
blowing his hair wildly, rain streaming down his face, he
grinned at me, and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure
beats shopping."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when
Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus
8x minus 9."
The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter,
"What on earth does Jesus mean -- 'the
like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'"
Peter said, "Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his
parabolas."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Cake Make Up"
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.
One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet-cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.
Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my cornbread go?" he shouted.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Happiness can't buy money."
- Bob Hope
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Spoiled"
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Two Wishes”
There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes."
The man says "That's OK, two is enough. First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account."
Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women."
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Most Important Question
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop
quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the
questions, until I read the last one: 'What is the first name of the
woman who cleans the school?"
Surely, this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman
several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how
would I know her name?
I handed in my paper,leaving the last question blank.
Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would
count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet
many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and
care, even if all you do is smile and say hello."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
HMO in Heaven
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"