"Razor Request"
Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"
The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"
Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I might could defend myself."
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Oneliner
"Gas prices are so high that when this college girl pulled into a gas station and asked for 2 dollar's worth, the attendant dabbed some behind her ears."
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"Park Rules "
Here's another great pun from Stan Kegel.
I took my two sons, ages seven and five, to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud that he was able to read to his brother the sign with all the rules posted for the playground.
"1. Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"2. Go down the slide while sitting only."
"3. Only one child on a swing at a time."
There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without me standing by to watch. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if I stayed.
I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions.
I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one... They would each get on the tall semicircular slide and slide down head-first or backward.
Angrily, I walked to the children and escorted them over to the posted regulations. I asked my seven year old read to them aloud once again - paying special attention to the rules about the slide. Then I asked them what they had to say for themselves.
My five year old answered immediately: "Don't be silly Daddy - they don't use slide rules anymore. (By Stan Kegel)
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Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
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Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner
at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the
table as the food was being served. When little Logan
received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded
him.
"I don't need to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer
before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is
Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
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Chicken Literacy
Beware of chickens in public libraries...
A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.
Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.
About an hour later the two birds march back in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!”
The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.
She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit...”