The phone rang in the stockbroker's office.
"May I speak with Mr. Bradford?"
"I'm sorry. Mr. Bradford is on another line."
This is Mr. Ingram's office. We'd like to know if he's bullish or
bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife. Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
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Bible Bafflement
My friend opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible
as the name. But he soon regretted his decision to order
office supplies over the phone.
When his stationery arrived, it bore the letterhead, "That
Nun Should Perish."
- from Tom Harrison (via Reader's Digest)
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Buy a Bull
A brunette and her blonde sister had just inherited a ranch.
Deciding that they needed to buy a bull, the brunette told
her sister that she would go into town, find a bull she
liked, and if she bought it, send a telegram back telling
her sister to come pick up the bull. The blonde agreed, so
the brunette took $600 and went to town. There, she found a
bull she just loved and bought it for $599.
When she walked into the post office, the post man told her
that a telegram was a dollar per word. "But I only have one
dollar!" she exclaimed.
"Then you only get one word," he calmly replied.
After thinking long and hard, she finally decided on her
word: "Comfortable."
"Are you sure that's the word you want?" asked the postman,
puzzled.
"Yep. You don't know my sister. She's a blonde; she'll read
it really slowly and say COME-FOR-DA-BULL."
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Does anybody know how to unglue a sock from the floor?
Last weekend I did a few little projects around the condo including gluing down a loose linoleum tile in the laundry room. Apparently I used a bit too much glue, because some of it squeezed out of the cracks after I had pressed the tile down.
What I did not count on is how long it takes the glue to dry, because the next night I was standing in the laundry room doing laundry, and when I tried to step away I found that my foot was glued to the floor.
And it was really stuck, too! I had to take my foot out of my sock. So now I have to figure out how to get the sock up without leaving a quarter-sized patch of white cotton in the middle of the floor.
Fortunately I was wearing socks or else I might still be standing there right now!
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"A helping word to one in trouble is like a switch in a railroad track...an inch between wreck and smooth, rolling prosperity." -Henry Ward Beecher
"All animals, except man, know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it." -Samuel Butler
"All mankind is divided into three classes: those who are immovable, those who are movable; and those who move." -Benjamin Franklin
When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.
"That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong with me,'" he said. "And based on that, considering we've been married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for about $798,000."