Weak Feline
Q: What kind of work does a weak cat do? A: Light mouse work.
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$50 a Second
A woman was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang. She threw on her towel and went to the door. Dave, a poker buddy of her husband’s was there. He looked at her in her towel for a minute and whispered “I’ll give you $500 right now if you take of your towel for just 10 seconds! That’s $50 a second!” She thought about it a second, and then took off her towel. He smiled, gave her the money and walked away. When she walked back into the bedroom, her husband asked “Was that Dave? Did he bring the $500 he owed me?”
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Vernie and the Cat
Vernie's mother looked out the door and saw Vernie reading
the Bible to his cat. She thought to herself, "Isn't that
sweet? I will not disturb him and will let him continue to
play with the cat."
Sometime later, Mom heard an awful noise and looked out the
door to see Vernie trying to force the cat into a bucket of
water. She loudly said to Vernie, " Vernie, what are you
trying to do with the cat?"
Vernie replied, "I am trying to baptize him!"
His mom said, "Cats don't like to be in water."
Vernie replied, "Well, then he shouldn't have joined my
church."
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Weird News
Mountain lion mistaken for large cat
CASPER, Wyo. (UPI) -- A Casper, Wyo., woman said she initially thought the mountain lion resting on her back porch was simply a large house cat. Beverly Hood said the cougar looked well groomed and she assumed it was someone's pet until it stood up and hissed at her, the Casper Star-Tribune reported Wednesday. "I wasn't scared. I just thought, 'Whoops, I'm not going out there,'" Hood said. She reported the 80 to 90-pound animal to authorities as a "big cat," leading Casper Police Officer Mike Ableman to the impression that he was en route to shoo away a "kitty cat." He said the dispatcher assured him he was dealing with a house cat and not a mountain lion. Ableman said the assumption was quickly dispelled after he went into the yard. "It stood up and looked at me, and I ran back in the house," he said. Wyoming Game and Fish Department Warden John Lund shot the mountain lion twice with a tranquilizer gun and took it into custody. "Based on the animal's age and its behavior," he said, "we feel we are going to relocate this lion in suitable lion habitat away from people or livestock."
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Box of rocks leads to postal evacuation
DALLAS (UPI) -- Dallas authorities said a package that sparked the evacuation of a U.S. post office bulk mail center was found to be nothing more than a box of rocks. Dallas Fire-Rescue spokeswoman Sherrie Lopez said crews were called to the facility shortly before 7 a.m. Wednesday after a worker handling a 30-pound box of "concrete-type rocks" that had cracked open reported dust and a burning sensation in his throat, the Dallas Morning News reported Wednesday. Some 700 postal workers were evacuated from the building while crews checked the box of rocks for radioactivity, flammability, biohazards and unusual pH levels. Lopez said all of the tests came back negative. Work resumed at the bulk mail center shortly after 8 a.m., officials said.
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AKC: Lady, Bear most popular dog names
NEW YORK (UPI) -- The American Kennel Club said in New York that Bear and Lady top the list of the most popular names for dogs in the United States. The AKC said a review of 2007 registration statistics found Bear, Blue, Max, Duke and Buddy were the most popular names for male dogs while Lady, Belle, Princess, May and Rose were the most popular for female dogs. "Traditionally names based on a puppy's physical appearance or personality, such as 'Spot' or 'Sassy,' have been popular with dog owners,'" said AKC spokeswoman Lisa Peterson. "Today we are seeing human names, such as 'Jack' and 'Molly,' and names that reflect a pet's stature in the home, such as 'King' and 'Princess,' gain in popularity as more people consider their dog a valued member of the family."
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Corrupt Juror
A dishonest lawyer bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When he paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
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Turned DownParents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice. As an Admissions Counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down.Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of "D" grades, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as those students who were admitted. "Why doesn't she try another school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested."Another school!" exclaimed the mother. "Have you seen her grades?"
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"Last night's vice presidential debate between Joe Biden
and Sarah Palin drew much higher ratings than the pres-
idential debate. Biden attracted viewers who enjoyed his
previous debate appearances, and Palin attracted viewers
who enjoyed the movie 'Fargo.'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"Exciting news from the Norwegian University of Science and
Technology. The Norwegians released a study today that says
having a sense of humor can help people live longer. In other
words, if you don't laugh at this monologue tonight, you're
going to die." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I tried to make money as a kid. I had a lemonade stand for
about six weeks. I made no money. I had to burn it down and
collect insurance." --Brian Kiley
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My wife and I arrived late to a crowded religious convention
where there was standing room only. We noticed some people
get up to leave, and after they hadn't returned for several
minutes, we took their seats. The woman next to us insisted
that the chairs were taken. I assured her that we'd be glad
to move if the people came back.
Moments later we sang a hymn, and at its conclusion the music
director asked all of us to turn to our neighbors and say
that we loved them. The woman at my side faced me and said,
"I love you, but those seats are still taken."
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A friend of mine had just become a district court judge and
was nervous about presiding impartially over his first
criminal trial. As a former prosecutor, he could see the
preponderance of evidence was clearly against the defendant.
The proceedings went smoothly, until it was time for him to
instruct the jury. "The jury," he said, "is to convene to
the guilty room."
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Lost Phone
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an
appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice
that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I
had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality
of the situation sank in, followed by, "You are NOT going to
tell anybody about this!"
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Before it Starts
A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She gives him his beer. About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She does. A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer. The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.' The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'
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Wrong Bear
A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear. Realising his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger. A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision. “As you didn’t kill this protected species intentionally, I don’t intend to send you to prison”, the judge says. “However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animal”. “For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10”. Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000. The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. “Your Honour”, he says, “With the greatest respect, I believe you’ve made a mistake in your calculations”. “We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of 1000 pounds”. “Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000”. The judge looks at the ranger, and says, “I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the animals’ weight, minus its two front paws”. Looking rather confused, the ranger asks, “but why did you not include the front paws in your calculation?” “Because”, the judge replies, “Every American has the right to bear arms!”
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Change in Finances
A woman proudly told her friend, “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire.” “Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked. “A billionaire.”