Rice Preference
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a
protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As
he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you
like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied
clearly, "Thrown."
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An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for
Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the
local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by
the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews
with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays
for them to celebrate.
The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the
cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest
attorney to the case.
The case was brought up before a learned judge who, after
listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU
representative, promptly banged his gavel and said, "Case
dismissed!"
The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and
said, "Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the
Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other
observances. And the Jews--why, in addition to Passover,
they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah ... and yet my client and
all other atheists have no such holiday!"
The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said,
"Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for
that matter even celebrate the atheists' holiday!"
The ACLU lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no such
holiday for atheists--just when might that be?"
The judge said "Well, it comes every year at the same
time--April 1st!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Computer Error"
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T
....IDIOT....
I used to like Harold.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them."
- Shawn Alexander
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"White Lies"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events...
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after running through cabinets, she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured..She said, "Oh dear, there is no time to bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom-- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9.30, and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When the Daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold..Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified, she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend, and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd. She could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South...and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!" Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."
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THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T............
1 . Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7 UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He
was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will
kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's
stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear
pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in
the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the
'upper case' letters ! were stored in the case on top of the case that
stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at
the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented.)
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II
were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a
recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple,
and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to
paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and
sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being
able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in
quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the
Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of
celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages it .
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot
safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still
walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America
willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her fanny off
to jail."