Sunday, June 15, 2008

hUMOR For June 15th

Cxd14One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's

Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests

near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made

some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about

the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain

Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles

farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles." The next one

was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.

We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery,

and it read: "Ice 75 cents."

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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite

friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who

had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,

with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship

might be a possibility between us.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.

"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age

difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He

looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone

who's 104?'"

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Incompetent Truck Driver

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three dangerous looking bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

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”Southern Hospitality”

A very gentle southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please sir, don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

Grasping for any opportunity, she cried, "Think of your job, the work still to be done."

"I was fired today and have no prospect of another job."

Running out of ideas, she appealed to his patriotism and said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

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"Directions"

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped.

We went in to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department.

"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."

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Oneliner

"A deceased atheist is a man who is all dressed up with no place to go!"

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CleanPun - "Suit Purchase"

He said he bought his suit for a ridiculous price.

The truth is, he bought it for an absurd figure.

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A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one
that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in
before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come
in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in
without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes
out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The
team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless
the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get
the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but
one team has more in without being out before coming in

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Weird News

Woman, 101, renews driver's license

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (UPI) -- A 101-year-old Florida woman known as the oldest driver on the planet says people may be surprised she renewed her driver's license until 2011.

Lillian Cox began driving in 1915 and can still be seen putting around Tallahassee, Fla., in her 1984 sedan, WKMG-TV in Orlando reported Thursday.

"They're surprised that I'd get a driver's license at 101. But I have four more years," she said. "I'm sure I look (101 years old) but they don't let me know that."

Cox said, however, she wants to be driven to her upcoming appearance on "Tonight Show with Jay Leno" in a limousine.

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Man survives crotch snake bite

CAIRNS, Australia (UPI) -- A man seemed embarrassed after a snake bit him in the crotch while he was relieving himself on the side of the road in Australia, an ambulance spokesman said.

The tourist could have lost his life when a poisonous brown snake lurched toward his crotch and sunk its teeth into his manhood, the Sun reported Thursday.

It was reported rescue officials hurried to the road near Cairns, Australia, and began on-site treatment.

Medical officials said the man was expected to recover, despite throwing up and complaining of a stomachache.

"It certainly had a swipe at him. But it didn't envenomate him. As it came through it must have got a bit of a shock," the spokesman said. "I think he was a bit shocked and embarrassed."

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Party trashes $8.8 million home

MARBELLA, Spain (UPI) -- A woman says her $8.8 million home in Marbella, Spain, was trashed by 400 revelers who showed up for a party her daughter advertised on the Internet.

Amanda Hudson said she gave her daughter, Jodie, permission to throw her 16th birthday party at the house, but she lost control of the shindig after hundreds of people showed up to party, the Daily Mail reported Thursday.

Jodie Hudson had sent out word about her birthday bash on social networking sites Facebook and Bebo as the "party of the year," the British newspaper reported. The advertisements, which included the address of the house, promised "there's going be a lot of alcohol and an amazing DJ."

Hudson said $12,000 worth of jewelry and multiple clothing items were stolen during the party. Other items, including a TV, were thrown into the house's pool.

She said the house is usually rented out for $8,000 a week during the summer, but the damage done by the party has made the residence unlivable.

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Cab Drivers

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

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Pengiun Movies

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

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Not So Smart

The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems." The chief nodded.

The official continued, "What do you think of all the white man has done?"

The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Medicine man free. Indian people hunted and fished all the time."

The chief paused, then added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

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The Devil You Say

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"

The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"