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Thanksgiving in the UKA few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK."Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September.""Why then?""That's when you chaps left."
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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with onedrummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,but his performance simply didn't improve.Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When amusician just can't handle his instrument and doesn'timprove when given help, they take away the instrument, givehim two sticks, and make him a drummer."A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "Andif he can't handle even that, they take away one of hissticks and make him a conductor."
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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with onedrummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,but his performance simply didn't improve.Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When amusician just can't handle his instrument and doesn'timprove when given help, they take away the instrument, givehim two sticks, and make him a drummer."A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "Andif he can't handle even that, they take away one of hissticks and make him a conductor."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is." - Will Rogers
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Here is today's Illustration. - Knowledge
The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
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(Roughing It) - with the punch line!
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.
"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.
She replied, "You."
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Some Puns...Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisysays to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated thismorning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true," exclaimed Daisy, "No bull!" ***** An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kidswere nothing to look at either. ***** A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "Mydog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do forhim?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." Sohe picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checkshis teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have toput him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." *****I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other daybut I couldn't find any. *****I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the topshelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." *****I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. *****What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. *****Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"*****Grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender says "Hey,we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "That's stupid. Who'd want adrink named Larry?"
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Some Puns...Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisysays to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated thismorning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true," exclaimed Daisy, "No bull!" ***** An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kidswere nothing to look at either. ***** A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "Mydog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do forhim?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." Sohe picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checkshis teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have toput him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." *****I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other daybut I couldn't find any. *****I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the topshelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." *****I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. *****What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. *****Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"*****Grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender says "Hey,we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "That's stupid. Who'd want adrink named Larry?"
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AllergiesA little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"The girl said, "I don't know. I don't eat cats."