She's new to football
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
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Math is turning bad
"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed. "What are you selling?" I asked. "Geometrical algebra drugs." "Huh!?" "Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..." "Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-outers." "Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day." "Go on..." "OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills. "What are those, then?" I asked. "Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed." "Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?" "There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love -- they call it 'One Over Z' on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you'll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity."
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For The Kids...
What is the best day of the week to sleep? Snooze-day! How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?A phew! What do cannibals eat for breakfast?Buttered host! What holds the sun up in the sky?Sunbeams!
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Broken Bone
While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our
hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl
and an x-ray technician.
"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.
"Yes," the girl replied.
"Did it hurt?"
"No."
"Really? Which bone did you break?"
"My sister's arm."
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Bragging RightsProud parents of children with College degrees...
Two fathers were bragging about their children.“My daughter is brilliant,” said the first father. “She was able to get her B.A. in only three years.”“That's nothing,” said the other. “My daughter got a Ph.D. in only one year.”“That's impossible,” said the first man. “How could she get a Ph.D. in one year?”“She married him,” his friend said with a smile.
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Tempting Parking SpotPark Not, Want Not...
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: “I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”
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Yogi Berra’s Graduation DissertationGraduation GemsBaseball - just a menopause for life…
[JP News, May 19, 2007] St. Louis native Yogi Berra's Dissertation for the Saint Louis University Graduation.Yogi Berra accepted an honorary degree from St. Louis University and delivered the commencement speech for 1,900 graduates and 10,000 in attendance at Scottrade Center. Berra is to vocal communication what Don Cherry is to the fashion industry. Yogi doesn't so much command the English language as he corkscrews it. It is part of what makes the baseball Hall of Famer one of America's endearing figures…“Thank you all for being here tonight. I know this is a busy time of year, and if you weren't here, you could probably be somewhere else. I especially want to thank the administration at St. Louis University for making this day necessary. It is an honor to receive this honorary degree.It is wonderful to be here in St. Louis and to visit the old neighborhood. I haven't been back since the last time I was here. Everything looks the same, only different. Of course, things in the past are never as they used to be.Before I speak, I have something I'd like to say. As you may know, I never went to college, or high school for that matter. To be honest, I'm not much of a public speaker, so I will try to keep this short as long as I can. As I look out upon all of the young people here tonight, there are a number of words of wisdom I might depart. But I think the most irrelevant piece of advice I can pass along is this: “The most important things in life are the things that are least important.”I could have gone a number of directions in my life. Growing up on the Hill, I could have opened a restaurant or a bakery. But the more time I spent in places like that, the less time I wanted to spend there. I knew that if I wanted to play baseball, I was going to have to play baseball. My childhood friend, Joe Garagiola, also became a big-league ball player, as did my son, Dale. I think you'll find the similarities in our careers are quite different.You're probably wondering, how does a kid from the Hill become a New York Yankee and get in the Hall of Fame? Well, let me tell you something, if it was easy nobody would do it. Nothing is impossible until you make it possible. Of course, times were different. To be honest, I was born at an early age.Things are much more confiscated now. It seems like a nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. But let me tell you, if the world was perfect, it wouldn't be. Even Napoleon had his Watergate. You'll make some wrong mistakes along the way, but only the wrong survive.Never put off until tomorrow what you can't do today. Denial isn't just a river in Europe. Strive for success and remember you won't get what you want unless you want what you get. Some will choose a different path. If they don't want to come along, you can't stop them. Remember, none are so kind as those who will not see.Keep the faith and follow the Commandments: Do not covet thy neighbor's wife, unless she has nothing else to wear. Treat others before you treat yourself. As Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt once said, 'The only thing you have to fear is beer itself.'Hold on to your integrity, ladies and gentlemen. It's the one thing you really need to have; if you don't have it, that's why you need it. Work hard to reach your goals, and if you can't reach them, use a ladder. There may come a day when you get hurt and have to miss work. Don't worry, it won't hurt to miss work.Over the years, I have realized that baseball is really just a menopause for life. We all have limitations, but we also know limitation is the greatest form of flattery. Beauty is in the eyes of Jim Holder. Half the lies you hear won't be true, and half the things you say, you won't ever say.As parents you'll want to give your children all the things you didn't have. But don't buy them an encyclopedia, make them walk to school like you did. Teach them to have respect for others, especially the police. They are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve it.Throughout my career, I found good things always came in pairs of three. There will be times when you are an overwhelming underdog. Give 100 percent to everything you do, and when that's not enough, give everything you have left. 'Winning isn't everything, but it's better than rheumatism.' I think Guy Lombardo said that.Finally, dear graduates and friends, cherish this moment; it is a memory you will never forget. You have your entire future ahead of you. Good luck and Bob's speed.”
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