A Modern MarriageI stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses."I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?""What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?""It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bible Hunt"
One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"
"Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mystery" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
+++++++++++++++++++
The way you say it
It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is missing
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bathroom Philosophers
Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems. Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo? Because he'd rather go to the movies! What's blue and has big ears?An elephant at the North Pole! What's grey and lights up?An electric elephant! What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?An umbrellaphant! What do you do with a green elephant?Wait till it ripens!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Love Campaign"
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I've been having trouble concentrating lately - I think I have that attention deficit whatever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gift"
"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."- Rodney Dangerfield
Thursday, March 22, 2007
hUMOR For March 22nd
A Modern MarriageI stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses."I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?""What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?""It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bible Hunt"
One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"
"Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mystery" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
+++++++++++++++++++
The way you say it
It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is missing
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bathroom Philosophers
Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems. Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo? Because he'd rather go to the movies! What's blue and has big ears?An elephant at the North Pole! What's grey and lights up?An electric elephant! What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?An umbrellaphant! What do you do with a green elephant?Wait till it ripens!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Love Campaign"
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I've been having trouble concentrating lately - I think I have that attention deficit whatever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gift"
"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."- Rodney Dangerfield
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bible Hunt"
One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"
"Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mystery" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
+++++++++++++++++++
The way you say it
It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is missing
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bathroom Philosophers
Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems. Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo? Because he'd rather go to the movies! What's blue and has big ears?An elephant at the North Pole! What's grey and lights up?An electric elephant! What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?An umbrellaphant! What do you do with a green elephant?Wait till it ripens!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Love Campaign"
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I've been having trouble concentrating lately - I think I have that attention deficit whatever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gift"
"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."- Rodney Dangerfield
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