Monday, August 09, 2004

Football Funnies

Football Funnies
1. What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs? -----Drool.
2. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? -----A full set of teeth.
3. How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm room? -----Grease her hips and push really hard.
4. How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
-----Pay him for the pizza.
5. Why do the Alabama cheerleaders wear bibs? -----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
6. Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
-----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
7. What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life? -----His freshman year.
8. How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? -----None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
9. Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
-----Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisemann Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash . . . )
10. Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? -----You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

Killer Biscuits

Killer Biscuits
This was so funny I had to send it to you first thing!

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's not relevant.

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Getting new clothes every year.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. Other Women

Big Bad John

Big Bad John
Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll 'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes - Big John.
Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown 'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won Then turned against his country and his Navy friends And sold them out for his own selfish ends? (Big John)
He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows Giving aid and comfort to America's foes It was clear to see whose side he was on Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon - Big John (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore He never had to work a day in his life 'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! - Big John
Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die
To give him the freedom to tell us his lies (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Thousands have sacrificed their young lives To help ensure that our nation survives A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced FADE (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)