Dr. Seuss on Unnecessary RISCWhat if Dr. Seuss did technical writing?If your floppy’s getting sloppy, it’s time to RAM your ROM!
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,And your data is corrupted ‘cause the index doesn’t hash,Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!If the label on the cable on the table at your house,Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gaussSo your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the ‘puter’s gonna hang!When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM…Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
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CriscoWhat affectionate nickname do you have for your spouse?
A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crisssssssco!”Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”The old lady replies, “Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband. He's in here somewhere.”The clerk is astonished. “Your husband's name is Crisco?”The old lady answers, “Oh, no. I only call him that when we're out in public.”“I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call him at home?”“Lard butt.”
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"Lost Phone"
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"
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Oneliner
"Grass grows in direct proportion to your unwillingness to mow it."
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CleanPun - "Milk"
The minister once blessed his cows,It seems that this was wise,For when he milked them in the mornThe milk was pastorized.
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”City Fisherman”
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
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Trivia for DummiesA husband and wife were playing Trivia for Dummies when she amazed him by answering correctly that there are seven rays on the crown of the Statue of Liberty."How in the world did you know that?" he asked.Rolling her eyes, she answered, "Duuuhh ... the seven original colonies!"
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25th Wedding Anniversary
At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary,
Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the
benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all
those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best
teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance,
meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many
other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed
single."
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Visiting a barber
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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Lab Reports
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells") Dashing through the labwith a tan page lab reportTaking all those testsand laughing at them allBells for fire drills ringmaking spirits brightWhat fun it is to laugh and singa chemistry song tonight. Oh, lab report, lab reports,reacting all the wayOh what fun it is to studyfor a chemistry test today, Hey! Chemistry test, chemistry testisn't it a blastOh what fun it is to takea chemistry test and pass.
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Did you see that?
"No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
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For The Kids...
What does "Maximum" mean?A very big mother! What is full of holes but can still hold water?A sponge! Why is perfume obedient?Because it is scent wherever it goes!
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A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it
flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the
speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the
camera. Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it, so he turned and,
going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. Again, he saw the camera flash.
He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not
wearing a seatbelt.
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During an examination, the student was not able to answer the question so he
copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was
'log(1+x)'.
He didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the
answer to 'timber(1+x)'.