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Fire TestJoey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
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An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we a like?"
"You're both old," he said.
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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
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Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
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A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
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A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
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Helping Sam at Church
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
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Courage
A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his university. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay on the topic, "What is courage?"
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and turned in the piece of paper.
All he had written was: "This is."
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A Business TripA husband has to go away on a business trip. Reallybad timing - his wife is about to deliver a set oftwins (boy & girl). Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his planetakes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital.She has a rough labor and it takes a long time torecover her communication skills. But the hospital needs names for the babies beforethey can release them from the hospital. So it's up tothe new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster)to name them. When the husband finally comes home, he is a bitworried about what his brother named his children. Sohe carefully asks his wife what are their names.She replied, "Well, he named our daughter Denise." "Hey, that's not so bad" he says and smiles."I know, but he named your son Denephew!"
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Q. What do you give a sick pig?A. Oinkment.
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DoctorIt was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in themiddle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piledup in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emergedfrom the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's allright honey, I've had a course in first aid."The woman stood up and watched as he took the illman's pulse and prepared to administer artificialrespiration.At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'malready here."
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Q. Why did the cake like to play baseball?A. It was a good batter!
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Q. What's the name of the snake that joined theCanadian Police force?A. Mountie Python.
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Q. What drink do balloons hate?A. Pop!!
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Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Day scare centers.What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full ofpiranha fish ? It came back with a skeleton crew !What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin.What does a ghost eat for lunch? A Boo-logna sandwich.Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? Because if they were small and round and smooththey'd be M&Ms.Which story do all little witches love to hear atbedtime? "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.Why don't skeletons go scuba diving? They haven't got the guts.