hUMOR For Jan 29th

Did I Say That?

Police in Los Angeles, California had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

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Acts

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911; the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.

"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!

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Are We Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone,

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!".

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

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The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the lowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer elimates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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Who's The Real Dummy?

AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.

He received a $26 million dollar severance package.

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

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Van Problem

The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for

the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. "Is that

yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that

was jutting out into the narrow street.

"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our

company's."

"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up

a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."

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After 20 years two college rivals bumped into each other. "Do you remember how I used to be so fat and flabby?' asked the first. "Well, I've been on an exercise program for a few years, and now I run marathons."

"That's great!" replied the other man.

"And," the first man continued, "Do you remember how I used to be shy and a poor student? Well, I took a course in public speaking, and now I make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on the lecture circuit."

"That's great!" came the reply.

"Oh, and how about you?" the first man asked. "Have you changed at all?"

"Well, yes I have", replied the second man. "Remember how brutally honest I used to be, and how when someone said something uninteresting, I would reply, 'I couldn't care less?'"

"Well now I just say, 'That's great!'"

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"Windy Walk"

So George goes out on a really windy night to walk over and visit his friend Sam, who is sick in bed. Several hours later, George drags his weary body into Sam's house and collapses on the couch.

"I tell ya, Sam," George says, exhausted, "it is just brutal with that wind out there. For every step I took forward, I was pushed back two."

"Then how in the world did you ever make it over here?" Sam asks.

"Well," George pants, "shortly after I started out I realized it was hopeless and I turned around and headed back home."

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CleanQuote

"None are so empty as those who are full of themselves."
- Andrew Jackson

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Illustration - "Salesmanship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more."

Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"

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BUTCH THE ROOSTER > John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several > Hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose > Job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). > > The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into > the Soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he > Bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell > Had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster > Was performing. > > Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply > by listening to the bells.

> The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen > he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't > rung at all! John went to investigate. > > The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, > hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. > > John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and > he became an overnight sensation among the judges. > > The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece > Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. > > Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a > politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted > awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace > and having his way with them when they weren't paying attention? .

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Playing House

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches
the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea
what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

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"Welcome to the show. It's Friday night! Don't feel bad, I

had nowhere fun to go either." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Down in Florida, they are getting ready for the Republican

primary. They have got one week to make sure the voting

machines don't work." -Craig Ferguson

***

"It's cold here in the Northeast. You have to dress in layers

when it's this cold. For instance, right now I'm wearing two

hairpieces." -David Letterman

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The orthodontist and his assistants were removing my ten-

year-old's dental appliance. Because it was cemented to

the upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release

it. When it finally popped out, three baby teeth came out

as well. My child was horrified at seeing the gaps.

"Well," my child said to the staff gathered around, "who

do I see about getting some dentures?"

hUMOR For Jan 28th

When I returned from Vietnam I was on the CBFD. Following is just one of my experiences.

DON’T SAY YOU HAVEN’T BEEN WARNED

My cooking could be hazardous to your health!

Most people in the civilized world say what I do when cooking shouldn’t happen to food. This goes back to the days when I was on the Council Bluffs Fire Department.

It was back in the 60’s 1960’s not 1860’s while I was doing my rotation of cooking for our shift in Station #2 the home of the proud outcast. This was the station furthest from Central Station where the Chief’s office was. Chief Elgin assigned those he didn’t like to this remote outpost on the frontier. We were the elite, if we could get to the fire before Chiefy Elgin we could get the fire out much faster then if he arrived and demanded “give me 6 men when we only had 4 if we were lucky.

Anyway, back to meal preparation, as I was saying I was not only engineer on Engine #3, I was doing my best to make my captain, OLE, not OLD Captain Moon and the plug man, the lowest Indian on the totem poll, proud of me.

I had the biggest pot in the kitchen on the fire boiling water and had just dropped in the biggest beef tongue I could purchase. It was a biggy and I longed to sink my teeth into this delicacy.

I admit it lacked the aroma which other people produced with their cooking, but I had eaten it since I was a kid. Besides it was easy to cook. Just drop it in boiling water and hope we didn’t have to respond to a fire until it was done.

All of a sudden Ole Capt. Moon bellered, Allen what the hell you got in that pot. He had his monstrous hand on my shoulder when I lifted the lid just enough so the tongue had barely enough room for the tip of thee tongue to slither out, maybe 4 inches. Ole Capt. Moon was 6’6” and thought he had met his match like he thought my delicacy was going to attach his 6’6” frame. I can still hear him screaming in my ear, “kill it before it hurts someone!!!!!

So ended my days of cooking. To replace my rotation on cooking I had to wash Ole Capt. Moon’s dishes when he took my turn at cooking. I think he dirtied every dish possible just to get even with me.

Daniel N. [my middle name will never be seen or heard, Allen

Have a good un, and enjoy the dried apples. Oh, and beware!

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"Mailbox Problem"

A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but to save the beloved old box. I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up.

Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window. "I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming."

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A Hiking We Will Go.....

Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time.

At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the

usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees

(there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast

day), etc., etc.

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin

off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied

the cabin, turned, and led us right back to our camp. "That

was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country, all the

TV satellite dishes point south."

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Turtle Jump

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

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Corporate Boat Race

American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

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Frog Talk

What did one frog say to the other?

Time sure if fun when you're having flies.

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King's Arms

Where did the little king keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!

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Complicated Order

A guest in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!

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Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

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The Mayo Clinic, getting on board with today's diet and health conscious

society, just changed its name. It's now the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.

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"Test Crash"

As the test pilot climbed out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrived.

A rescuer saw the bloodied pilot and asked, "What happened?"

The pilot replied, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

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Oneliner

"Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?"

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CleanPun - "Gift Disappointment"

The rich aunt was hurt and said to her nephew, "I'm sorry you don't like your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a small check."

"I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you were talking about neckties."

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”Travel Hints”

Really Good Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler

- Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo."

- Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.

- There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.

- On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter. (Unless you go to Quebec)

- Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

- Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.

- Do not ask for directions to a Kosher restaurant when in Syria.

- In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.

- If you enjoy beaches and surfing make Wyoming your second choice.

- Avoid Sudan in the summer. ( or winter )

- Buying cut rate first class tickets from a guy near an airport is not a good idea.

- Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.