Uncomfortable
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married
students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class,
before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were
holding onto your side."
"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his
foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."
"Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved.
"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class."
++++++++++++++++++
Leaks
"Is that water?" I asked.
"I believe it is," was the reply.
Having recently taken the position of laboratory manager, I watched as water
poured out of the ceiling onto a brand new state of the art, two hundred
fifty thousand dollar piece of laboratory equipment. I rushed down to the
maintenance department to report the problem. After a short investigation,
it was determined that the leak was caused by someone who left the water
running in a kettle located in the lab above mine. "It happens all the
time," I was told.
"I don't understand why the water leaked through the floor and didn't run
into the drain. The building is less than ten years old. We shouldn't have
this problem."
A maintenance person explained, "Well, that would be because the drain was
installed 10 centimeters above floor level."
"Why?"
"The only reason I can think as to why they would do something like that is
because to do otherwise would make sense," was the reply.
"It's going to have to be fixed," I said. "I can't have water running on my
new machine every time someone forgets to turn off the water."
Maintenance caulked the cracks and gaps around the drain in hopes to solve
the problem. It worked. The next time water overflowed from the kettle my
new machine remained dry. However, the water took the next easiest route
through the floor that just happened to be over a machine valued at thirty
thousand dollars. The solution was to cover the machine with a tarp.
A brand new machine had just been set up in my lab the day before I
discovered a leak above it. This was a completely new leak to go along with
my completely new machine. Blue water was pouring over the machine and the
attached computer. The problem was coming from two floors above and again,
the drain was higher than the floor. The solution in this case was easy. I
was instructed to move the machine to a different part of my lab. The leak
remained but that section of the lab was never utilized again.
The standard joke about leaks became, "If you want to find out where you
have a leak, just install a brand new expensive piece of equipment and
that's where the leak will be."
This isn't to say that all of the drains in the building are faulty. No,
that isn't the case at all. For example, several of the drain seals for
toilets in the building are failing and the raw sewage flows across the
floor straight into the drain in the middle of the floor. I guess it's a
good thing that there aren't any bathrooms above my lab but just to be sure,
I'm not going to order any new equipment anytime soon.
++++++++++++++++++
"I believe blind people can fall in love, too, so I don't believe in love at
first sight." - Ashton Kutcher
++++++++++++++++++
* I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in
dwelling on the past.
* I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.
* A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and
I never saw it again.
* Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue
him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.
* Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep
ourselves from freezing.
* I'm not at liberty to say why.
* I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to
give me.
* It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a
toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know
the details.
* I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.
* I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.
* My mom used it as a dryer sheet.
* My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the
movie deal is finalized.
* It's against my religion to do any homework.
* I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted
space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their
death rays.
* I felt it wasn't challenging enough.
* My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last
night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.
* We had homework?!
* I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah,
blah, blah."
* I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
* I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our
hard-working teachers.
++++++++++++++++++
"Instrument Test"
I'm a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened.
Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.
"Mom, guess what!" I overheard him exclaim. "I tested positive for tuba!"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The Bureau of Incomplete Statistics reports that one out of three."
++++++++++++++++++
"Firefly"
A mother firefly and her brood were out for a walk. 'Whatever happens,' mom ordered, 'don't shine your light. I don't want you eaten by owls.'
Sure enough, after a little while, she spotted the youngest one glowing behind her. 'You heard what I said,' scolded the mother. 'Why did you disobey?'
'Well,' said the little one, 'when you gotta glow, you gotta glow.'