"Free Will"
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
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Oneliner
"I try to sell insurance to every telemarketer that calls me."
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CleanPun - "Chair Sleep"
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.
"It's twenty to seven," she called.
"In whose favor?"
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Tax his cow, tax his goat;
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crop, tax his work;
Tax his ties, tax his shirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule;
Tell him, "Taxing is the rule."
Tax his oil, tax his gas;
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more;
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb:
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax;
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
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Thanks to PW: ONLY IN AMERICA...
Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.
Only in America......do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !
Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands
of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in
the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM
machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artifi cial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?
Why isn't there mous e-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?
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Not Likely.....
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to
some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be
seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned
and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
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A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."