Snake's New Glasses
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
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Farm Humor
Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.
When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns his cow to pasture.
Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
Because it was always running out of the pen.
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
He has got no beef.
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Revenge by Gunshot
A distraught young woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. In a fit of anger she drives to a local pawn shop and buys a gun.
She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly, slams opens the door, and sure enough he’s naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead.
This angers her. Furious, she can no longer control her emotions. She opens her purse and pulls out the .38 handgun she bought earlier. As she takes aim, grief overcomes here and she points the gun at her own head.
“No, honey, don’t do it!” yells the boyfriend.
“Shut up,” she says. “You’re next.”
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I’ts The Thought That Counts
A very stingy man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time, the man received an acknowledgement from his friend. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
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"Approval Letter"
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Dewey mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from the manufacturer.
"Well, What do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Olga.
"I think that next time," Dewey replied. "I'm writing to
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Oneliner
"Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?"
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CleanPun - "Glazier"
My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.
"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.
The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."
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”Tips for Healthy Living”
Tips for Healthy Living
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually, speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is 1 to 1. If you have 2 bodies, your ratio is 2 to 1, etc.
Q: What are advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
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New Offices
My husband works in a former supermarket that has been remodeled to
accommodate professional offices.
One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over the
phone. "Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well,
you'll find us in the meat department."
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"President Bush is in
with Romanian Prime Minister Popescu Tariceanu. Or, as Bush
calls him, Pop Tart." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Today is the 78th birthday of the Twinkie. It says right on
its rapper: 'Best by 2012.'" -David Letterman
***
"John McCain has not been using Secret Service protection.
You see, he has Life Alert." -Jay Leno
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My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and
marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding
what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister
asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to
be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
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Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan,
I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form
was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.
One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the
emergency room within the next three months?"
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Another Bad Day
A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Darn buddy, are you having a bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"
The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Darn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Darn buddy, are you having another bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"
The bartender says, "Darn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Darn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
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Nuns on a Freeway
A police man is driving down the road when all of the sudden the freeway starts to get backed up. Not long after, he finds himself stuck in traffic going about 20 miles an hour. So he drives up around the traffic to see what the problem was.
When he gets to the front, he sees 3 nuns driving in a car at about 20 miles an hour. So he pulls them over and lets the traffic get by. He then asks them "Do you know the speed limit."
They answer, "Yes" and they point towards the 22 freeway sign and say "We were going 22 miles per hour.
The policeman shakes his head and says, "No, that's the freeway sign... the speed limit sign is over there." And with that he points to the correct MPH sign.
"Ohhh..." said all of the nuns until the nun in the back starts cracking up.
"What's wrong" asks the police man...
The nun replies, "Well, you should have seen us yesterday on the 135!"