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Here is the All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,
b) fathom,
c) comprehend,
d) appreciate,
e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,
b) sue me,
c) spank me,
d) take my firstborn,
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
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A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:
"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Once again, on Saturday, I experienced another malfunction in the interface between my chair and keyboard. Subsequently, most of you could not view Saturday’s link to the “CSI Egypt” cartoon. So, here it is again.
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Sports Illustrated
The coach's wife yells to her husband, "It's Sports Illustrated on the phone."
The coach falls all over himself racing to the phone and says, "Hello?"
Then he hears, "For just 75 cents an issue...."
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*Liberal Headlines*
If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal media
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
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AMERICAN MUSLIM: AN OXYMORON
Can a devout Muslim be an American patriot and a loyal citizen?
THEOLOGICALLY: No. Because his allegiance is to Allah, the moon god of Arabia.
GEOGRAPHICALLY: No. Because his allegiance is to Mecca, which he turns in prayers five times a day.
SOCIALLY: No. Because his allegiance to Islam demands that he make no friends of Christians and Jews.
(Q.5:51)
POLITICALLY: No. Because he must submit to the mullah, who teaches annihilation of Israel and the destruction of America, the great Satan.
DOMESTICALLY: No. Because he is instructed to marry four women and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him. (Q.4:34)
RELIGIOUSLY: No. Because no other religion is accepted by his Allah except Islam-Intolerance. (Q.2:256)
INTELLECTUALLY: No. Because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is established on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt.
PHILOSOPHICALLY: No. Because Islam, Mohammed and the Quran do not allow freedom of religion and _expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist.
Every Muslim government is dictatorial except Turkey.
SPIRITUALLY: No. Because when we declare "one nation under God", the Christian's God is a triune God while the Muslim's is one entity called "Allah", who is never a heavenly father, nor is he ever called "Love"
in the 99 excellent names.
An article by: Anis Shorrosh, a former Muslim, turned to Christ, from Nazareth, now living in Alabama.
Reprint rights granted. People of This Country NEED to understand this!
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DEAR ANN LANDERS:
I loved the letters you printed about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer. When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed.
As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.
From San Francisco: When I was a child,
I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name.
Groton, Mass. My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."
Missoula, Mont. My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
Uniontown, Ohio I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."
Covina, Calif. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."
Cleveland, Ohio When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag . . . and to the republic for Richard Stands."
Schenectady, NY I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear."
(gladly the Cross I Bear).
Tampa, Fla. When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
Lake Forest Park, Wash. When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah.
Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."
Oak Harbor, Wash. When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
Grand Junction, Colo. When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble
[I'll add one for you. My brother's name was Mansfield and he thought the song was "Fight mansfieldly
(manfully) onward" L.B.S.]