"This week, a woman whose car was swept away in a flash flood
said she survived because of something she saw on a 'Fear
Factor' episode. Those reality shows really are lifesavers.
It's only by watching 'Extreme Makeover' that I realized I
looked stupid with bangs." -Dennis Miller
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On a long drive from
a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear-
view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I
handed the officer my license and made small talk while my
wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my
wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said
gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in South
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Nothing rattles my father-in-law, especially when the St.
Louis Cardinals are on TV.
One day we were watching a game, when my mother-in-law
shrieked from the kitchen, "Jim, there's a horsefly in
here!"
Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back, "Give
it some cough syrup."
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Funny Guys
Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other - they just need to refer to each joke by a number.
“Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up.
"Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl.
Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?”
“Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”
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Not the brightest bulbs in the lamp
..They told me to meet them at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", they put "Sagittarius."
..They asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
..They studied for a blood test.
..They thought they needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
..They sold the car for gas money!
..when they missed the 44 bus, they took the 22 bus twice instead.
..when they went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," they turned around and went home.
..when they heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, they moved.
..They think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
..if they spoke her mind, they'd be speechless.
..They thought that they could not use their AM radio in the evening.
..They had a shirt that said "TGIF," which they thought stood for: This Goes In Front.
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Hysterical History
What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the
Get in the boat!
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Two Crooks
Did you hear about the two guys who stole everything out of a house except the soap and towels. They were dirty crooks!
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I don't do the beer and cussing but the rest is about right .
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $30.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00
Oil Change instructions for men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands..
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH... AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT
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Adequate Directions
A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way."
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"Cadet Sign"
When my brother was a cadet at the U.S. Air Force Academy, there was an overhead walkway with a sign reading "Bring Me Men."
As my parents were touring the grounds during Parents' Weekend, they could tell that some of the cadets were homesick. The sign had been changed to "Bring Me Mom."
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Oneliner
"Hors D'oeuvres - A sandwich cut into 20 pieces."
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”Wrong Mower Guy”
Top 10 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Guy To Mow Your Lawn
10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes