Wednesday, December 07, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 7th

College LaundryMy son was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. He was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him."Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."
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The year is 1905 -- one hundred years ago. What a differencea century makes!Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the year 1905:The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost elevendollars.There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roadsin the U.S.The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each moreheavily populated than California.With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21stmost populous state in the Union.The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year,a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and$4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 peryear.More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place athome.Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education.Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many ofwhich were condemned in the press and by the government as"substandard."Sugar cost four cents a pound.Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.Most women washed their hair only once a month, and theyused borax or egg yolks for shampoo.Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people fromentering into their country for any reason.Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:1. Pneumonia and influenza2. Tuberculosis3. Diarrhea4. Heart disease5. StrokeThe American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, NewMexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Unionyet.The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't beeninvented yet.There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.Two out of every ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write.Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from highschool.Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over thecounter at the local corner drugstores.Back then a pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion,gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach andbowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."(Shocking!)Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least onefull-time servant or domestic help.There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years!Received from Tim Krell.
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Thank You Cards
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.
This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life." - Muhammad Ali
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Communication
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations, or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable, philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a clarified conciseness, a compact comprehensibility, coalescent consistency, and a concatenated cogency. Eschew all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and veracious vivacity, without rhodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolixity, psittaceous vacuity, ventriloquial verbosity, and vaniloquent vapidity. Shun double-entendres, prurient jocosity, and pestiferous profanity, obscurant or apparent.
In other words, talk plainly, briefly, naturally, sensibly, truthfully, purely. Keep from slang; don't put on airs; say what you mean; mean what you say.
And DON'T USE BIG WORDS!
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The Facts of Life"1. At least 5 people in this world, love you so muchthey would die for you.2. At least 15 people in this world love you, in someway.3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you, isbecause they want to be just like you.4. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone,even if they don't like you.5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before theygo to sleep.6. You mean the world to someone.7. Without you, someone may not be living.8. You are special and unique, in your own way.9. Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you.10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, somethinggood comes from it.11. When you think the world has turned it's back onyou, take a look, you most likely turned your back onthe world.12. When you think you have no chance at getting whatyou want, you probably won't get it, but if youbelieve in yourself, you probably sooner or later willget it.13. Always remember complements you received, forgetabout the rude remarks.14. Always tell someone how you feel about them, youwill feel much better when they know.15. If you have great friends, take the time to letthem know that they are great.
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GRANDMA 's drivingThe other day I went up to a local Christian bookstoreand saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because Ihad just come from a thrilling choir performance,followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I boughtthe sticker and put in on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He isand I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because ifhe hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while Iwas sitting there, the guy behind started honking likecrazy, and when he leaned out of his window andscreamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What anexuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of mywindow and started waving and smiling at all theseloving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in thelove. There must have been a man from Florida backthere because I heard him yelling something about asunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only hismiddle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked myteenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, hesaid that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign orsomething. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leanedout the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he wasenjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy ofthe moment that they got out of their cars and startedwalking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church Iattended, but this is when I noticed the light hadchanged. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning,and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through theintersection before the light changed again and I feltkind of sad that I had to leave them after all thelove we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leanedout of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian goodluck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise theLord for such wonderful folks!