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Sweet Dreams
While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4
year old granddaughter.
One morning when she awoke, she told me she had some nice dreams and
proceeded to tell me about them.
I told her I wished that I was able to dream like she does.
She said, "But you can't, grandma, because you snore too much."
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Chute Error
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is yours."
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The Other Mark
Thunderstorms have rolled through the region, knocking out power
temporarily to some of the stores of this supermarket chain. So when a help
desk technician gets an emergency page from one store, he figures he knows
how to handle it.
Turns out it's not that easy. "When I called the store, a somewhat dippy
cashier answered the phone," he says. "The cash registers were all
off-line, and when I gave her what I thought were simple instructions to
restart the registers, she was having trouble understanding."
The flustered cashier just can't seem to get things working -- until the
tech gets an idea.
"At one point the phone clicked, and she told me it was an incoming call on
another line," he reports. "She clicked off and answered again right away."
"I said hi, it's Mark from the help desk."
She said, "Oh, hi! I have another guy from the help desk on the other line!
Can you help me out? I don't understand what he's telling me to do."
I replied, "That guy's name is Mark too, and he is the most knowledgeable
person in our department. Just take a deep breath, calm down and let him
help you get the registers back up."
Another click.
"Hello, is this Mark? I just had that other Mark on the other line. OK, now
tell me again what I need to do..."
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1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.
3. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow
old because you stop laughing.
4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat are really good
friends.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. He who hesitates is probably right.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone
in mind to blame.
9. The purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
when he's really in trouble.
10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't a lot more people
happy?
12. Most of us go to our graves with our music still inside
us.
13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing is free yet?
14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.
15. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.
17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some
are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all
are different colors. But they all have to learn to live in
the same box.
18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on
a detour.
20. Happiness sometimes comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
23. If not for STRESS, some days I'd have no energy at all.
24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
27. If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
29. We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails.
30. If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.
31. Have an awesome day, and know that someone thought about you today!
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Proper Identification
A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an
account with them. When the teller her asked for some identification, the
woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a
library card.
The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she
didn't have one.
"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.
"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."