I don't know about you, but I find those "Out-Of-The-Office" Email
Auto-replies so ordinary and tedious. Here are some alternatives.
1. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I
don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get
to it.
4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at
(insert Pointy-Haired Boss's cell phone number here).
5. The email server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your
computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this email so I will know that you got this message.
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I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
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HorseshoeOne day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?""Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
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Recess
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie
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"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the
belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the
true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places
on your body where this is a possibility, you're not attrac-
tive. You are leaking." -Fran Lebowitz
***
"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread
to the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse,
and we will become a primitive society where we all run
around naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings.
Wouldn't that be GREAT?" --Dave Barry
***
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner
with." -Anonymous woman
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Following the birth of our daughter, the nurse told my wife
that whe would have to take it easy. So for the next six
weeks, "You can't do any lifting, swimming, driving, sex..."
My wife stopped her there. "I can't drive for how long?"
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During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs,
a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer
pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one; I always do
the driving."
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Reading of the Will
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death. “Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”
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Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creamsA. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?A: Pi a'la mode.
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Two Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night. After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot. When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."
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Penguin Breakdown
A truck driver had to deliver five hundred penguins to the
state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert,
the truck broke down.
After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours,
he waved another truck down and offered the driver $500 to
take the penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day, the first truck driver arrived in town and saw
the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins
walking in single file behind him.
The first truck driver jumped out of his truck and said,
"What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to
the zoo!"
The second truck driver replied, "I did take them to the
zoo. And I had money left over, so now we're going to see a
movie."
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I would play peek-a-boo with babies, but the game has no official ending.