Friday, April 08, 2005

hUMOR For April 8th

Doctor's Advice

Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you
know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's
your excuse?

Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.

Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no
such order.

Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
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An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for supper!"
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An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for supper!"
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Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and
it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave
you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -
believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this
matter one year from now? How about one month? One week?
One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have
another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
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A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
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Auto Shopping

A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds
- and girth - was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.

When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the
typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?"

Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman replied, "Probably a crowbar."