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Shoe Shine
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in
Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One
afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my
khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home,"
he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones
the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right
shoe, shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he
said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
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The Bible According to Kids
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF
YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS
HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED NOR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT
TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH
OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.
NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND
THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT
A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY
THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE
APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE
TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO
EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT
ADULTERY. (Hmmm???)
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN
JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA
TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING
THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE
WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE
SANG THE MAGNA CARTA
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE
ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO
UNTO OTHERS, BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO
EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND
MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE
12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO
A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED
HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY (I know a lot of guys who'd agree with this
one!!)
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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a mnute and then said, "All my life I
lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would
like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge
fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and
they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the
gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could
just have some little roller skates, we would not have to
run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful
little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He
found her sound asleep on her fluffly pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
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After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins.
"Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."
The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"
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After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins.
"Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."
The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
I hate the speed bump in the laneway of my complex.
But I just get over it and move on.
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Thanks to AB for this one: Tips for student pilots.
1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get
bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you
were up there than up there wishing you were down
here.
5. The only time you have too much fuel is when
you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the
plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you
can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one
has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk
away. A "great" landing is one after which they can
use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live
long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it
takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely
proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of
arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and
vice versa.
12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your
brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone
keeps talking about might be another airplane going in
the opposite direction.
14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have
been known to hide out in clouds.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience.
Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad
judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end
going forward as much as possible.
22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots.
There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's
the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. Always try to keep the number of landings you
make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
25. The three most useless things to a pilot are
altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of
a second ago.
And a bonus tip:
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth
repels them.
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Thanks to LBS: Truisms
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a
free trip around the sun.
Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the
longer you live.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often
so much jollier than the people who have to wait for
them.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside
of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing in the store is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp,
some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors ... but they all have to
learn to live in the same box.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but
no simpler.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery
on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you
left open.