It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the
eve of a big offensive.
"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made your
life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying
to kill you day after day throughout this war."
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "The cook's working for the Germans!"
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"President Bush just announced that next month he will host a White House
conference on Malaria. Bush told reporters, 'I'm looking forward to meeting
the Malarians.'" - Conan O'Brien
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Burgler Answering Machine Message
(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
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Violin Practice
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
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They Still Walk Among Us
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" ==== While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
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Still More Funny Headlines
- New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy - Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire - Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood - Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies - Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
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I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed. -Douglas Aiken
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS:
-The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: Search for Jesus.'
-The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
-Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members, and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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Dan told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said Dan. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems... They're swinging on the Pearly Gates,my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them.The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello---hold on a minute." When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you? " Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there with the Texans." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning. "
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While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold
country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he
had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement
that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he
said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural
antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he
said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,
lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State
are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are
going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait until you see the idiots I
put there."
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"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't
tell them where they know the fish." Mark Twain
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Driver's Ed
A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly and asked the driver what he was doing. "I am learning to drive." was the reply. "What? without an instructor?" exclaimed the officer. "Oh yes," answered the driver."It's a correspondence course."
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Laws for Parents
- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent. - Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time. - The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house. - The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home. - A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge. - The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
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There They Are, Walking Among Us
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." ==== My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. ==== My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount, for each.