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The Late Preacher
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a
grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no
family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost,
making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe
and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid
already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his
tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the
deceased to the great beyond
in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen
anything like that."
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Withheld Pay
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
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Simple Obedience
This morning while she was getting dressed, she insisted on wearing a skirt under her dress. I tried in vain to talk her out of it. Since she's never worn the two together before, I asked her where she got the idea of wearing the skirt with the dress.
She said during graduation practice, one of the teachers said "Girls will wear dresses and skirts."
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Dream
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
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How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our lives we
could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court, when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
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Interview Question
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer.
"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant.
"It means I don't get the job."