"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under
my arms instead." - Sue Kolinsky
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I LIKE THIS ONE...READ ON...
Annette
GOD's BusyA United States Marine was attending some collegecourses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq andAfghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowedatheist and a member of the ACLU.One day the professor shocked the class when he camein. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God,if you are real, then I want you to knock me off thisplatform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,"Here I am God. I'm still waiting."It got down to the last couple of minutes when theMarine got out of his chair, went up to theprofessor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off theplatform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back tohis seat and sat there, silently. The other studentswere shocked and stunned and sat there looking on insilence.The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken,looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is thematter with you? Why did you do that?"The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy todayprotecting America's soldiers who are protecting yourright to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot.So, He sent me."THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING!!!!
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Laws Of The Office
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more you put up with, the more you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
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"Concert Dreams"
Not that I need reminding, but time flies much too fast. When I was a teenager, I used to whine to my parents, "Just once I would like to see Aerosmith in concert before I die."
The other day my 13-year-old son, an aspiring rock star, blew my mind withthis: "Dad, I'd like to see Aerosmith just once before they die."
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Oneliner
"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."
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CleanPun - "Accident Cause"
The part of the automobile that is responsible for most accidents is the nut holding the steering wheel .
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”Movie Meet”
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were already being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her knee an affectionate squeeze.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! John! I'm back here."
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The BossKyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby sitter when 6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!""Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit need to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"
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You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires - If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal - If you have more toys than your kids - If you need a checklist to turn on the TV - If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name - If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work - If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight - If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it - If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary - If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
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Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
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A mathematician and a physicist agree ...
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
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Talking Dog for Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar."