"People magazine reportedly paid Angelina Jolie $14 million
for pictures of her twins. You can read about the deal in
Jolie's new self-help book, 'How to Have Babies for Fun and
Profit.'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"Paris Hilton's mother is angry that John McCain put
in his campaign video. Amazing. Of all the videos
been in, this is the one Mom's upset about?" -Jay Leno
***
"Hillary Clinton's campaign was $31 million in debt. Here's
how you can help: If you contribute $5 to Erase Hillary's
Debt, you can have dinner with her. For $10, you get to tie
the lobster bib on her pantsuit." -David Letterman
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Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.
IN A DIRTY MUG!"
"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction,
let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive
solution."
"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little
boys room."
"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
"Y'know,
nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on
the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of
fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to
get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"
"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a
keen eye for interior decoration."
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from
women is from Dodge."
"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...
.Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
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Who's in Heaven?
Know anyone who is rotting away?
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp -
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, “What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.”
“And why's everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.”
“Hush, child,” He said, “they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.”
Judge Not
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Grin and Bear It
Sanctuary By The Woods Bear
When you know you're getting a little behind...
[Due to the increasing number of bears encroaching on human recreation and hunting grounds the following was published by a deacon of the Sanctuary-by-the-Woods...]
Since hunters nearby are requested to hold fire during Sunday Services, if pursued by a bear you have two options:
A) Escape into the Church; or
B) Climb the old oak tree just beyond the Sanctuary
(Please do not run through Services with a bear behind!)
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Last Round of Golf
Tale from an 'above par' golfer
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, “Are you a good golfer?”
To which the man replied, “Got here in two, didn't I?”
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English is a Difficult Language to Learn
There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger,
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in
and French fries were not invented in
We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that:
- Quicksand takes you down slowly;
- Boxing rings are square;
- The guinea pig is neither from
And what about the noun roots of verbs?
- If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
- If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
- If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught?
- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat!?
- Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
- Or park on driveways and drive on parkways?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language:
- Where a house can burn up... as it burns down
- In which you fill in a form... by filling it out
- Where an alarm is only heard once it goes off!
English was created by people, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why when the stars are out they are visible...
But when the lights are out... they are invisible.
But I still can't figure out why it is that when I wind up my watch, it starts... But when I wind up this discussion...It ends.
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There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'
One day an atheist moved into the house next door.
He became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this
way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges
and shouted:
'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!
HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'