Sunday, May 08, 2005

hUMOR For May 8th

How Mothers Were Created

(Not really humor, but a nice thought in honor of Mother's Day in the
United States and to mothers everywhere.)

When the Good Lord was creating mothers He was into His 6th day of
"overtime" when the angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of
fiddling around on this one."

And the Lord said, "Have you read the specification on this order?"

"She has to be completely washable but not plastic;"

"Have 180 movable parts . . . all replaceable;"

"Run on black coffee and leftovers;"

"Have a lap the disappears when she stands up;"

"A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love
affair;"

"And 6 pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "6 pairs of hands....no way."

"It's not the hands that are causing me the problems," said the Lord, "It's
the three pairs of eyes that Mothers have to have."

"That's in the standard model?" asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks
'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in
the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know,
and of course the ones here in front so that she can look at a child when
he goofs and say, 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering
a word."

"Lord," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "come to bed. Tomorrow ..."

"I can't," said the Lord, "I'm so close to creating something so close to
myself. Already I have one that heals herself when she is sick ... can feed
a family of six on one pound of hamburger ... and can get a 9 yr. old to
stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of a Mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she
sighed.

"But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this Mother
can do or endure."

"Can it think?"

"Not only think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran a finger across the cheek. "There's a
leak," she pronounced. "I said you were trying to put too much into this
model."

"It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."

"What's it for?"

"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."

"You are a genius," said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there."
********************************
*Before and After Children*
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.AFTER Children: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.AFTER Children: I am thankful for the butterball turkey hotline.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.AFTER Children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.AFTER Children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for my wonderful family.AFTER Children: I am thankful for my wonderful family.
********************************
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."
The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."
********************************
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
********************************
The Blonde Year In Review

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because
it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the
bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle
in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the
power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she
couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming
competition, complained to the judges that the other
swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying
to get into their locked car using a coat hanger
because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California
was: answered "C."
October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to
peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the
instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed
120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11"
on any phone button.

******************************************************

Thanks to Li Mo -- The Hero

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came
upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave
her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I
approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker
and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."
I yelled, "Now back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago"