Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Today's hUMOR

Night Shift

Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts.

The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several
single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like
who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my
teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of
my teeth were chipped.

"It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said.

"No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said
I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"
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The Politician

When former Vice President Hubert Humphrey was just starting
in politics, the accepted way of meeting prospective voters
and contributors was to organize afternoon teas and serve
light refreshments. The idea had been used for a long time
and it wasn't as effective as it had been.

Hubert, always the innovator, kept trying new methods. He
had a good friend in the actor Alan Alda, who in his spare
time managed a number of different entertainment groups. One
of the groups was a singing quartet, The Kingsmen.

Hubert employed this singing group, as well as a second Alda
group, several beautiful and amorous ladies from Norway, to
spice up his parties.

But it didn't work.

The newspapers the next day headlined, "Alda's cling Norses
and Alda's Kingsmen couldn't put Humphrey's dumb teas back
to gather again."

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"Goodwill Offering"
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.
When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.
He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that at least I got my hat back from this congregation."
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CleanPun
A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
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One Liner
Employment application blanks always ask 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency' and I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
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CleanQuote
"A skeptic sees the handwriting on the wall but claims it's a forgery"
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"God's Beauty Tips"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.
For beautiful eyes,
look for the good in others.
To lose weight,
let go of stress, hatred, anger, discontentment, and the need to control others.
To improve your ears,
listen to the Word of God.
For poise,
walk with knowledge and self-esteem.
To strengthen your arms,
hug at least 3 people a day; touch someone with your love.
To strengthen your heart,
forgive yourself and others.
For the ultimate in business, casual or evening attire,
put on the robe of Christ; it fits like a glove but allows room for growth.
Best of all, it never goes out of style
and is appropriate for any occasion.
Doing these things on a daily basis will certainly make you a more beautiful person.