"Bus Fare"
Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"
"Sixty cents," said the driver.
The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"
"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."
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Oneliner
"Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service."
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CleanPun - "Butler Teeth"
Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.
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One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up
a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the
forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into
his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The
blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot,
wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just
doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
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"Miami's Hispanic population took to the streets last night to celebrate
Fidel Castro temporarily stepping down from power. Way to go America! Our
plan to slowly deteriorate his health over the course of 50 years is
working." - Stephen Colbert
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Kidnapped
Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble
at the Officer's Club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married
ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him
into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I
offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag
and throw it in the door of the officers club." Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In
it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note: "Rick can play kidnapped until 7
p.m. Then he must come home."
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A group of high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat.
To save money, they had to room together.
No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so
loudly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one coach room
with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first coach slept in Daryl's room and came to breakfast
the next morning with tousled hair and bloodshot eyes. One
asked, "What happened to you?"
The first coach replied, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I
couldn't sleep, so I watched him snore all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. The
following morning, the same thing happened as the second
coach appeared with hair standing up and eyes bloodshot. One
asked, "What happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him
sleep all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a burly
ex-football player. The next morning, he came to breakfast
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The
other coaches couldn't believe it. One asked, "OK, so what
happened?"
Frank replied, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. I heard he
watched me sleep all night long."
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"Nutritious Eating"
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
I now have a whole new outlook on life.
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Oneliner
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick." - Sandra Wilson
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"Goat Junk"
Two goats wandered into the junkyard and had a field day. One of them spent a particularly long time bent over a spool of film. When he was finished, the other goat came over. "So, did you enjoy the film?"
The goat replied, "To tell you the truth, I liked the book better."