"Breathe"
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"
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CleanQuote
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes."
-Robert Frost
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"Legalism"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant. They, put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.
"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."
The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.
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If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take
it up at a much earlier age.
If your opponent hasn't played the course before, don't be a
spoilsport and ruin all the surprises.
The score (or handicap) a player reports should always be
regarded as his opening offer.
The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
Error must go somewhere. If your driver is hot, your putter
is ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your
woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your
head will come up.
The secret of golf is, use your real swing to take the big
divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always
hit the do-over first.
Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 26.6
miles backward.
One good shank deserves another.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot
is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always
look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to
start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
You can hear thunder a hundred miles away when you're three
holes down with three to play.
Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum
of not at all.
Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing
you're doing right.
No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible
to play worse.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your
mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can
either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the
foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two
options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait
until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share
his ideas about the golf swing.
The less intelligent the player, the more certain he is to
offer insights into the mental side of the game.
It if ain't broke, try changing your grip.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant
elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that
allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's
luck.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie
10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a
rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for
thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his
shot.
Taking more than two putts to get down on a lightning-fast,
steeply sloped green is no embarrassment unless you had to
hit a wedge between the putts.
Never subtract so many strokes on any one hole that you wind
up with the honor on the next hole.
The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two
holes.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
A tap-in is the larval stage of a hop-out.
Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.
Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp
dogleg to the right.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf
course is a straight line that passes directly through the
center of a very large tree.
It's often necessary to hit a second drive to really
appreciate the first one.
There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces
just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a
two-inch branch 90% of the time.
A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than
one golfer.
99.99% of all matter is empty space, but that last .01% will
stop a golf ball dead.
If your ball disappears in the fairway of a blind hole, it's
probably because it rolled into an anti-divot and vaporized.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently
make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental
equilibrium of the universe.
It's always winter somewhere.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does,
simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the
speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing
20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.
Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to
playing good golf as knowing the temperature of the grass in
the fairway.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your
backswing at the top and checking the position of your
hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the
glove.
A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.
It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if
you're not too choosy about which fairway.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
For most golfers, the only difference between a one-dollar
ball and a three-dollar ball is two dollars.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the
ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
The frequency with which balls are lost increases as the
available supply decreases.
No putt ever got longer as the result of a ball being
marked.
An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the
bush.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not
yours.
If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker,
your ball is in the bunker.
If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
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This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses
in bed. He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and playfully says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful woman lying next
to you?"
He replied, "Don't worry honey, I'd stay faithful."
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Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying
job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education,
but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator
and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job.
He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very
curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though
he got such a simple question wrong.
The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
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"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you
into hot water." - Franklin P. Jones