Monday, June 16, 2008

hUMOR For June 16th

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the

man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way

(being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the

donkey go was to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop was to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on

the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.

"Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode

off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As

he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to

make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept

going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!" shouted the man. The

donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and

closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer: "Please,

dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the

end of this mountain. In Jesus' name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the

edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

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"This time, like all times, is a very good one if we but

know what to do with it." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

***

Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and

lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and

lodging. --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

***

"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to

public office." --Aesop

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Office Memo:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that

was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to

it. I would find it forever after difficult to meet your

gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion

about java applets or brand identity. Just be aware that

that milk was EXPRESSLY for my baby, if you get my drift. I

will label these things from now on, but if you found your

coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you

might think about calling your mom and telling her you love

her."

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I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a

contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other

day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs

delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-

like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes

best! For each load delivered, the company will provide

one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-

eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

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"Charm School 101"

At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant. She said, "Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you."

Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if man is in the restaurant ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."

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CleanQuote

"If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it!"
- Jonathan Winters

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Illustration - "Number 1"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The coach for the little league team had not yet learned the names of all the players, so he called them by the numbers on their uniforms. He yelled, "Number 5, your time to bat," and Jeff came to the plate to hit. He yelled, "Number 7," and Steve jumped up. Then he yelled, "Number 1," but no one got up.

Again he called out, "Number 1." Still no one emerged from the dugout. The umpire was getting annoyed at the delay, so the coach yelled out, "Who's number 1?"

The entire team responded, "We are, coach. We are!"

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Health Advice

You know you're too busy when things like this happen. Apparently, the competition we're going to is not this weekend, but next weekend. Fortunately, we found out in time to change our plane tickets (for a fee), rental car and hotel reservations. AAARGH!!!

A woman walked up to a wrinkled, little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

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Laws of Cat Physics

LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest,
unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat
food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there
is a really good reason to change direction.

LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler
body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can
neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little
energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must
contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is
directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF PILL REJECTION - Any pill given to a cat has potential energy
to reach escape velocity.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter +
It Doesn't Matter.

LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM - Given enough time, a cat will land in
just about any space.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered.

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Blonde Dream

Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so

she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?

Blonde: I was running in a hallway.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream,

the same thing happened. I would always come to this door,

but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing

the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?

Blonde: Yes, it did.

Doctor: And what did the letters spell?

Blonde: It said, "P-U-L-L."

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"Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have

died out long ago." —Robert Heinlein

***

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water

there is bacteria." -Ben Franklin

***

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means

you've decided to see beyond the imperfections. --Unknown

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This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the

grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy

to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in

the air conditioned house all day while she did all the

work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me

about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside

and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak,

with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing

up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is

mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

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A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a

street corner downtown, when she said, "Excuse me, but if it's

not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"

Our good samaritan replied, "Just a minute." He walked across

the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you fine!"