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One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the
side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a
stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a
ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman
walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed
to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly and said, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
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On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:
"...underwater."
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Sweat Her Choice
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we
visited, I made sure to wear one.
As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she
said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
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Conspiracy Theory
We are under attack and We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper.
Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther
away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was
dumbfounded to discover how long our street had
become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now,
especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all
the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep
repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do
they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the
same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so
much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the
other day and he has aged so much that he didn't even
recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor guy
while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing
so, I glanced at my own refection..........Well,
REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they
used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!
You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull
onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is,
their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see
them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the
same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually
"believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would
never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report
what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on
the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in
such small type that no one could ever find a number
in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under
attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon
everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
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True or False??
Can you guess which of the following are true and
which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth
every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from
being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even
your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites
every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years
waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any
other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the
sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind
themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit
and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in
"An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South
Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a
mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on
the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903
used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical
cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in
vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would
be green.
Answers below...
They are all TRUE.... Now go back and think about
#16!!!
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Rabbi Sneak
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was no where in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork item on the menu.
While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.
The congregation president is more than a little shocked.
"What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
You know you're a bona fide Catholic, Lutheran or Episcopalian, when you're watching Star Wars, and when you hear "May the Force be with you" you have an overwhelming urge to respond "and also with you".
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Loosing Weight
Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all you youths must deal eventually.
One woman complained that she remained an 'apple-shape' and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay.
Her buddy agreed, saying, "It's true. The lard works in mysterious ways."
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"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You
still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration,
please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
Down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give
me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
The ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to
stop or just slow down?"