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One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in adesperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Issomething wrong?""Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving storyis in the Old Testament or New Testament!"---Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received aThanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family ontheir way to church. Grandma showed the card to her smallgrandchildren, observing, "The Pilgrim children liked to goto church with their mothers and fathers.""Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dadcarrying that rifle?"---Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousandsof miles to be with people they see only once a year. Andthen they discover that once a year is way too often.---Father, bless us according to our thankLESSness, lest Thoubless us according to our thankfulness, and we starve.
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A lady tourist noticed the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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A lady tourist noticed the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says "Pretend it's your IQ."
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CleanPun. - Take Out Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.
While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "?they're complimentary."
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Take A Break and LaughA frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. Hecan see from her nameplate that her name is PatriciaWhack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take aholiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief andasks his name. The frog says his name is KermitJagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, heknows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loanwith some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I havethis," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, aboutan inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have toconsult with the bank manager and disappears into aback office. She finds the manager and says, "There'sa frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims toknow you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants touse this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what inthe world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it,aren't you?) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, yougrinned, I know you did!!!
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Ode to ThanksgivingThanksgiving is upon us, that special time of the year when the whole house gets to be clean at the same time because approximately 100,000 relatives are about to descend to eat a turkey dinner in 20 minutes that took 3 days to prepare, and 5 minutes after they arrive the house looks worse than it did before you spent 3 weeks and several hundred dollars to clean it, shine it, dust it, mop it, wax it, vacuum it, de-cobweb it, wash it's windows, scrub it's carpets, not to mention sanitizing the penicillin experiments that magically appear in it's bathrooms and kitchen, mount an investigation to find out what is taking up all the space in the fridge and throw it all away to make room for $500-worth of groceries so the kids can stand in front of it's open door and whine, "There's never anything to EAT in this house", and above all, banish all the JUNK to the 3-car garage that never has and probably never will have an actual car living in it! But seriously, there are many blessings to be thankful for and I am mindful of many: the love of friends and family, stable employment, good health, and a roof over our heads. However, this year there is one thing I will be especially thankful for - when all is said and done and washed and scrubbed and cooked and put away - I will be thankful that it's OVER!