A pair of chickens go to the library
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
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Hopeless Pupil
"It's no good, Mrs. rATH," said hopeless Vernie. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked Mrs. Rath, "But you only have two ears." "You see, I'm no good at math, either."
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The White House requested an extra $55 million for hurricane forecasting
equipment. Twenty five cents of that will be used to make a call to FEMA
headquarters to tell them a hurricane is coming.
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An old physics joke recounts that Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the
police for speeding one night. The police officer asks the professor, "Do
you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
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Vacation: A two-week-long experience where money and time race against each
other until both are totally exhausted.
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"Just Visiting Here"
The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.
She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'."
"Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?"
"I'm just visiting here."
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn't be more excited. ... Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It's a lot better than loser." --Jay Leno "They're getting ready to unveil President Bush's presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, 'In other words, we're just gonna build some stuff and see what happens.'" --Conan O'Brien "You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, 'My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face ... and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?' Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything." --Jon Stewart "CNN, of course, was referring to revelations that Dick Cheney's office has for years refused to comply with an executive order requiring him to report how he was classifying secret documents. In fact, rather than comply, Cheney attempted to abolish the agency in charge of the oversight. But unfortunately, since you can't shoot an entire agency in the face, he resorted to a different tactic. Cheney now claims he doesn't have to follow the executive orders because he's not a member of the executive branch. Now before you say, 'Oh my God, the vice president's a crazy person that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be allowed to operate lightweight machinery,' listen to his argument: He's not part of the executive branch because he's also president of the Senate, a legislative body. ... It's like the Harlem Globetrotters saying they were part of Scooby and the Gang, even though they only showed up once at a haunted amusement park and once on some Christmas special, which doesn't even count" --Jon Stewart "He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander." --John Oliver, on Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him "Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs 'The Sopranos' finale. In the ad, she orders carrot sticks at a diner, then switches the jukebox to a Celine Dion song. Hillary's calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal hell." --Conan O'Brien
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Expensive Doctors
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
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Three Little Pigs
Q. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?A. They thought their father was an awful boar.
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For The Kids...
Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
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You've got to spend money to lose money.
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"I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes
on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and
smoke a cigarette." --Anthony Hopkins
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"My wife took pictures of me naked and sent them to Playgirl.
They passed on them, but I AM going to be in Field & Stream."
--Adam Sandler
***
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men
don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women
want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show
me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld
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Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store,
painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet
tall: YELD
Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through
the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had
painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read
YEILD.
About two months later they finally fixed it. The old
lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted
on top of that was the word STOP.
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A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist
stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging
through her purse, as so many patients did when they had
a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her
handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.