"Evangelist Request"
During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
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CleanQuote
"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake."
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"Action"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by his farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's friend.
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
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Bigger Piece
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were
first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the
larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You
don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
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A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was
stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would
speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their
native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.
He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit,
making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time
to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment
leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an
eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost
luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and
I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
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The Foot Rule
There is a formula for figuring out how bed space is allocated. It is called
the "FootRule". You start by determining the total number of feet (as in
those at the end of the legs, not the kind made up by inches). Then you
divide that total by the number of feet belonging to the person(s) or dog(s)
in question.
This is how it works:
You and husband share your bed with 1 dog. You and your spouse total 4 feet
and the dog also has 4 feet. That is a total of 8 feet. The dog has 4 out of
8 feet or 50%, therefore, the dog gets 50% of the bed.
You could work this in reverse as well. You have 2 out of 8 feet or 25% and
so does your spouse, so each of you gets 25% and the dog gets 50%.
Now I have 5 dogs. At 4 feet per dog, that is 20 feet. Add to that my 2 feet
and we have a total of 22 feet in the bed. I have 2 out of 22 feet which is
1/11th or 9.1% of the bed. The dogs, since they share a total of 20 of 22
feet, get 10/11ths or 90.9% of the bed. Simple isn't it?!
Once I figured out my percentage of the bed space, the next step was to work
out the exact area that I am entitled to. My bed is a California King which
is approximately 6 ft x 7 ft. Here is the math:
6 ft x 7 ft = 42 square feet
42 square feet = 6048 square inches
9.1% of 6048 = 550 square inches
550 square inches = 45.8 total inches
45.8 inches = 3.8 total feet
In order to determine the exact size of my bed space, I needed to know the
percentage of length to width - this comes out to 54% long to 46% wide. When
I apply these percentages to my spot:
550 square inches x 54% = 297 square inches
550 square inches x 46% = 253 square inches
297 square inches = 24.7 inches
253 square inches = 21.1 inches
24.7 inches = 2.1 feet
21.1 inches = 1.8 feet
Now that the math's are all done, the figures show that the dimensions of my
part of the bed are 2.1 feet by 1.8 feet or in other words, I sleep on my
pillow.
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People who think they're out of this world make you wish they were.