On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single."
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Sugar Worry
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
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"Dynamite Bumps"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
Two goobers are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.
"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."
"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat . . "
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CleanQuote
"Sacred cows make the best hamburger." - Mark Twain
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"Faithfulness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.
He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.
Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.
"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.
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My sister and I are close, and that allows us to be honest
with each other. One evening as I prepared for a date, I
remarked, "I'm fat."
"No, you're not," she scolded.
"My hair is awful," I said.
"It's lovely," she encouraged.
"I've never looked worse," I whined.
And she said, "Yes, you have."
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Thanks to LBS: Peanuts .......
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of
seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his
shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a
handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he
asks the little old lady, " why then don't you eat the
peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've
no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate
around them."
It pays to be careful around old people. Don't mess
with us old timers..............
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Thanks to LaMi -- Are You A Bodybuilder?
Georgie is into bodybuilding right now. He has some
great equipment at home and is bulking up nicely. Ask
him to show you his biceps? Now, what he is doing, I
applaud. It is good that men stay in shape to better
equip them for the heavier work they do, as well as
improving their overall health, so as to be there for
their dependents in the future.
But, there are two other kinds of bodybuilding we all
ought to do. First, we ought to build up the body of
Christ in us personally. Ephesians 4:12-13 urges each
Christian to be equipped and then edified (built up)
into a mature man, filling out the full size of
Christ. It reminds me of those ads years ago, where we
as "90 lbs. weaklings" need to fill out, through
bodybuilding, the form of Mr. Universe (Jesus Christ).
Are we doing this?
Second, there is the bodybuilding of the church, the
body of Christ. In the same Ephesians context
(4:12-16) the Holy Spirit speaks of that, too. The
body (congregation) is to be edified (built up) by
each joint (member) doing its share and contributing
to the whole group (body) being edfied in love. All
the members of a congregation ideally are to be busy
body building both individually and collectively. Are
we doing this?
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Thanks to JLH: NOTE: One of my all-time favorites
ts. The sharing of marriage
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French
fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries,
dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat
his few bites of hamburger, the people! around them
were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple -
all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to
the table and politely offered to buy another meal for
the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine
they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady
hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let
him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman
said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."!
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his
face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came
over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a
single bite of food and asked "What is it you are
waiting for?"
She answered (This is great) "THE TEETH."
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Thanks to WS: Misc. Funnies
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same
thing?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected
expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read
all right?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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The minister visited this woman and she told him how whe loves to read her Bible. She tells her kid to go get mommy's favorite book and he came back with the TV Guide!!