AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER (degrees Fahrenheit)

AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER (degrees Fahrenheit)

+50
~ New York tenants turn on the heat
~ Minnesotans plant gardens

+40
~ Californians shiver uncontrollably
~ Minnesotans sunbathe

+35
~ Italian cars don't start

+32
~ Distilled water freezes

+30
~ You can see your breath
~ You plan a vacation in Florida
~ Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
~ Minnesotans eat ice cream

+25
~ Boston water freezes
~ Californians weep pitiably
~ Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20
~ Cleveland water freezes
~ San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
~ Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

+15
~ You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
~ Minnesotans go swimming

+10
~ Too cold to snow
~ You need jumper cables to get the car going

0
~ New York landlords turn on the heat

-5
~ You can hear your breath
~ You plan a vacation to Hawaii

-10
~ American cars don't start
~ Too cold to skate

-15
~ You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
~ Miamians cease to exist
~ Minnesotans lick flagpoles

-20
~ Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
~ People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens

-25
~ Too cold to kiss
~ You need jumper cables to get the driver going
~ Japanese cars don't start
~ Minnesota Twins head for spring training

-30
~ You plan a two-week hot bath
~ Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

-38
~ Mercury freezes
~ Too cold to think
~ Minnesotans button top button

-40
~ Californians disappear
~ Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
~ Minnesotans put on sweaters

-50
~ Congressional hot air freezes
~ Alaskans close the bathroom window
~ Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60
~ Walruses abandon Aleutians
~ Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
~ Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-70
~ Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
~ Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI

-80
~ Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
~ Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-90
~ Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
~ Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer

-100
~ Santa Claus abandons North Pole
~ Minnesotans pull down earflaps

-173
~ Ethyl alcohol freezes

-445
~ Superconductivity

-452
~ Helium becomes a liquid

-454
~ Hell freezes over

-456
~ Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90

-458
~ Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460 (Absolute Zero)
~ All atomic motion ceases
~ Minnesotans agree as to how it's getting a "mite nippy"

A LETTER HOME

Remember old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.

A LETTER HOME

Dear Grandson:

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love,
Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

A Polar bear

A Polar bear walks into a restaurant and says to the waitress,
"I'll have a Pepsi with .........
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
ice".

The waitress says, "Why the big pause?"

Bear says, "I dunno...I was born with them!"