hUMOR For July 29th

The Congregation Replied

Down in the South, there are many churches known as "answer back"
churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation
naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the
church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better,
it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it
walk, Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is
going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances
and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, Preacher, let it run!"

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church
really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and
fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!"
the congregation shouts.

The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"

The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

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"Larry King announced that he's going to write an autobio-

graphy titled 'What Am I Doing Here?' Larry says that if

the book sells, he's got plans for several sequels including,

'What Day is This? and Where Are My Pants?'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"I want to get this off my chest: For the past 20 years,

I have been using performance-enhancing vodka."

-David Letterman

***

"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He

said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for

you.'" -Jay Leno

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My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten

it for free when she bought a used console TV for the living

room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV

much because it would shut off after a while. After checking

out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep

timer set for 90 minutes!

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I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker

that said "Honk if you love Jesus." I honked.

The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and

yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you moron?"

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Seat Belt

I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.

She asked, "Do I click the square?"

I said, "Yes."

She asked me, "Single click or double click?"

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Weird News

Experts doubt record-breaking turtle claim

OKLAHOMA CITY (UPI) -- A man who captured a 103-pound turtle argues the animal is of record-breaking size, but experts say they doubt his claim is warranted.

Jim McKnight was fishing for bass in southeast Oklahoma when he hooked the large turtle, The Oklahoman reported.

McKnight has gotten in touch with members of the media on several occasions and provided photos of the turtle to prove it is a record-breaker, the newspaper said.

McKnight told reporters a local game warden said it is a typical snapping turtle, but it weighs 35 pounds more than any other snapping turtle of its kind on record.

Wildlife diversity biologist Mark Howery has seen pictures of the animal and insists it is not a regular snapping turtle, but an alligator snapping turtle instead, which can often weigh much more than 103 pounds.

"This has to be an alligator snapping turtle just looking at it. It's not a record alligator snapping turtle, but it's still unusual ... we don't get very many reports of alligator snapping turtles," Howery said.

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Model T cars roll into Indiana town

RICHMOND, Ind. (UPI) -- Car enthusiasts are celebrating the centennial of the Model T, which was built by Ford from 1908 to 1927 and is among the top-selling vehicles of all time.

The Model T Ford Club is gathering in Richmond, Ind., for a weeklong celebration, the Detroit Free Press reported.

The newspaper said Model T Runabouts, Roadsters, Speedsters, Touring cars and the like are coming to town from 44 states -- and from countries including Australia, Canada, England, France, Germany, Norway, New Zealand, Portugal and Brazil.

Model T owners Chuck and Ginger Mitchell of St. Clair Shores, Mich., said they have been making plans for years to attend the event.

"If you want to have fun in an old car, the Model T is it," said Chuck Mitchell, 65, who is a volunteer Model T mechanic. He was planning to haul his 1925 Model T Roadster to Richmond Saturday.

The celebration in Richmond is being billed as "The World's Largest Gathering of Model T's."

///

Woman pays $1,000 to rescue lobster

SHEDIAC, New Brunswick (UPI) -- A Canadian woman says she plans to release a giant lobster after she paid $1,000 to rescue the crustacean from a fish market.

Laura-Leah Shaw purchased the 22-pound lobster, named Big Dee-Dee, from the Big Fish seafood market in Shediac, New Brunswick, the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. reported.

The report said two unnamed Ontario groups contributed $1,000 each to rescue the animal, which is thought to be 100 years old.

Big Fish was auctioning Big Dee Dee for an opening price of $1,000, the report said.

Denis Breau, owner of the fish market, said at least 1,000 people visited Big Fish to catch a glimpse of Big Dee Dee, who was caught in the beginning of July.

Shaw said she would travel to the Maritimes region of eastern Canada Monday to let Big Dee Dee go into the wild, but officials said the lobster would need to undergo a health inspection before it is released, to check for diseases.

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Mad Cow

Two cows are conversing in a field. The first one says to

the other, "Have you heard about this 'mad cow disease' that

is going around?"

The second cow responds, "Yeah, but I'm not worried about

it; I'm an airplane!"

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Value Added Chicken

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

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Driving Offense

The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled along the vehicle, wound down his window and shouted "Pull over!"

"No" she replied, "they're socks!"

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You Know You've Booked a Cheap Flight When?

As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.

The Captain announces over the intercom the Flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.

The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.

The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tyre wear

A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.

A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.

Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.

A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.

A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.