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Metric?
A farmer goes into a store to buy chicken wire.....
Farmer: I'd like 10 yards of chicken wire.
Clerk: Haven't you heard? We've gone metric. We sell things by the meter
now, not the yard.
Farmer: (Thinks about it) OK, I'd like 10 meters of chicken wire.
Clerk: Right. Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes?
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A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister.
The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly.
"Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.
"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"
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Garage Sale?
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
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The Well
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edgeof the well and trotted off!
Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
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Blonde Cookbook
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow tocome so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.
If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
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Alabama Hunters
A couple of Alabamians are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help; first, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious aboutmaking some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her severaltimes, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do justfine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church youwalk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR.Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN, then we shall get onwith the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which thosethings happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for hisbride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating toherself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."
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The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."
"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."
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Auto-Body Repair
One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car
needing a new fender and some door repairs.
I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up,
he wasn't pleased.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not
matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He
demanded an explanation.
"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.