Safety at Work
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work.
So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.
"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in
our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped
up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"
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I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes,
they'd come up sliced.
I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just
wasted.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words
were taken.
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose
wives think they are out having fun.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in
baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and
write down five.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and
you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf
course.
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what
you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very
close to having a perfect golf swing.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up
the wrong golf ball.
It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while
they are still rolling.
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with
implements ill-adapted for the purpose.
Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you
can't improve your lie.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music
comes out of a bagpipe.
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Eric had been a waiter ever since he was in high school. Now in his fifties,
he still served people their meals in the same restaurant he loved so
dearly. One day, though, Eric suffered a fatal heart attack.
His grief-stricken wife, Fannie, was also a firm believer in spiritualism,
and was certain that she would be able to talk to her departed husband's
spirit. For months she attempted to contact him through an assorted number
of psychics and spiritualists, but all to no avail.
One night, while thinking it over, she realized that the reason she had so
much trouble was because his spirit would remain haunting the place where he
spent most of his time: the restaurant! She called up the restaurant and
spoke to his old boss. The man, willing to do anything to comfort a late
employee's widow, agreed to let her stage a séance at the restaurant
after closing time.
The night of the séance, Fannie sat at a table, clearing her mind, and
softly she spoke: "Eric, can you hear me?"
"Hello, Fannie. How's by you?" came the unmistakable sound of Eric's voice.
"Eric, I can barely hear you. Could you speak a little louder?"
"I can't speak louder. It was always bad for my heart and look what happened
when I did!"
"Well, can you move a little closer to me?"
"No, that I cannot do."
"Why not?"
"That's not my table."
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It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had
a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her,
its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to
the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
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"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns
longer." -Victor Borge
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"Pole Power"
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house. They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot for the pole. I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in the middle of my driveway.
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Oneliner
"Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician."
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CleanPun - "Wills"
A person's last will and testament is a dead giveaway.