Blue Pill
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked
"How
many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one
into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.. That won't get you
through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't
even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my new shoes"
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Mechanic?
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and
was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage
nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a
mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally
said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.
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Some "Senior" personal ads seen in
Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a
sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried
fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round
out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of
breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are
the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing
aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth
seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn
on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to
cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like
to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are
now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through
Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and
Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good
condition, some hair, many new parts including hip,
knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
walks well.
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005 Revised Bill of Rights
The following has been attributed to State
Representative Mitchell Kaye from Georgia. This guy
should run for President one day . .
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby TRY ONE MORE TIME to ordain and establish some common-sense guidelines for the terminally whiney, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole
lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and
are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights as such:
ARTICLE I: You do NOT have the right to a new car,
big-screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power
to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do NOT have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone--not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc.; but the world if full of idiots, and
probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do NOT have the right to be free
from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye,
learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do NOT have the right to free food
and housing. Americans are the most charitable people
to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but
we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another
generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do NOT have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of
public housing, we are not interested in public health
care.
ARTICLE VI: You do NOT have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do NOT have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do NOT have the right to a job.
All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly
help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do NOT have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an over-abundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English-speaking country. We
don't care where you are from, English is our
language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from!
(lastly . . . )
ARTICLE XI: You do NOT have the right to change our
country's history or heritage. This country was
founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you
are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any
faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of
persecution. The phrase "IN GOD WE TRUST" is part of
our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable
with it, TOUGH!
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Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
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Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
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Here is today's Illustration. - Complacency
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation:
"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them." Then he added, "And it's so hot here in the summer that hades doesn't scare them!"