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*Rules For Bank Robbers*
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous criminal in Swansea, Mass., fainted when the teller told him she had no money. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
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Parenthood
** If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
** Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
** The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
** Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.
** The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.
** Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
** The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
** Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.
** Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
** Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
** There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
** Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
** Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
** Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
** There are only two things a child will share willingly:
communicable diseases and his mother's age.
** Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
** An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
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The Taxi Craze
Jill had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown. She hailed one down, got in, and told the cabbie the address she needed. The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver, and Jill sat in the backseat clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic. Jill watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
Jill looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side.
"Driver," Jill screamed, "Are you crazy? Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax, Lady," he said. "Just do what I do. Close your eyes."