Chicago Cab Driver
On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked, "Does he want to go to the bank?"
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A guy walks into a post office ...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who? But why? asks the man. I'm a divorce lawyer, the man replies.
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The easiest way to make decisions is to pretend that the consequences don't
matter.
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"French Dream"
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.
To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."
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Oneliner
"The sandwich dates back to the time man discovered he could not live by bread alone."
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Southern Driven
First of all there are a few changes in the drien laws from up north.
We don't use turn signals, just tell someone where you are going and everybody else will know.
Speed limits are just sugestions, but if ya wreck, we told ya it was to fast.
Stop signs and yield signs are just sugestions, you don't have to stop if ya in a hurry.
You can pass on the grass if there is enough room.
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Redneck Family Tree
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.
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You Kill It * We Grill It Entrees Canine Cusine Center line bovine $4.95 Slab of Lab $3.50 The Chiken $2.95 Pit Bull Pot Pie $3.95 (Who did not make it) Cocker Cutlets $2.35 Flat Cat $4.59 Shar-Pei Filet $5.25 Poodles-N-Noodles $3.80 A Taste of the Wild Side Snippet O' Whippet $5.00 Collie Hit By A Trolley $3.99 Chunk Of Skunk $1.00 German Shepard Pie $2.99 Smidgeon of Pigeon $3.75 Round of Hound $3.68 Road Toad ALa Mode $4.55 Shake-N-Bake Snake $4.44 Guess That Mess Swirl of Squirel $3.25 WipperWill on a Gril $2.89 Late Night Delight $1.00 Narrow Sparrow $4.57 Rack of Racoon $1.50 Rigor Mortis Tortise $3.79 Smear of Deer $0.99 Awsome Possum $1.25 Cheap Sheep $0.50
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Winter Survival
There is an ugly rumor that we can't drive in the snow. It's not like we southerners couldn't learn to drive in the snow. It's just that we never get a chance. And when we do, Watch Out.
First, we go about creating the ever popular three-rut road. This is acomplished when the first car, heading north, drives with it's ledt tires where the center line would be if you could see it. The cars heading south also drive with there left tires in the center of the road. This forms a three-rut road and makes for some interesting driving when autos meet each other.
Next, we never drive over one and a half miles an hour. This is so that we can never build up enough speed to get any traction and spend most of our time spinning our wheels and sliding back and forth. If we do get up enough speed, we like to apply our brakes briskly and suddenly.
The North has snowplows and all sorts of snow removal equipment at it's disposal. Most municipalities in the South have an old shovel and some ice cream salt. We do have, however, three or four guys in each community who ride around in a four-wheel-drive vehicle. THey will pull you out of the ditch or run you in it according to their mood.
As soon as we hear the word snow mentioned in the weather forecast, we are all obligated to report to the nearest grocery store immediatley. This is becouse many southerners starved to death in a blizard during the Civil War when they came home with Moon Pies instead of stocking up on bread and milk. If you get a good dusting of snow today you have to have a couple of loaves of bread and a good milk cow or you're doomed.
There is a law in the south that if snow is spotted, schools are to shut down immediately. MInd you, this is if snow is spotted anywhere in a 200-mile radius of the school. We call off school because we don't want our kidds riding home in the snow on those dangerous school buses. Then we put them on a garbage can lid, tie it to the back bumper of the pick up and pull them around on the interstate. It's great fun.
An excerpt from "holiday hilarities: A Collection of Holiday Humor" by Warren Dixon Jr. As cited in Carolina Country December 1999.
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Home Repair Tips
Tools Needed
Each home shuld have these toools.
Duck Tape
Sledge Hamer
How to Fix Some Common Problems
Leaky Sink How To Fix: Wrap the pipes with duck tape and if it stil leaks put a buket under it.
Car Want Run How To Fix: Open the hood and hit the engine with a sledge hammer.
Broken Window How To Fix: Cover cracks with ducktape and if needed tape a trash bag over any holes.
Stuck Door How To Fix: Hit it with a sledge hamer.
How To Install A Skylight. How To: Make hole with sledge hamer and cover with a clear piece of plastic. Ducktape in place.
Creaky Steps. How To Fix: Hit them with a sledge hammer.
Leaky Roof How To Fix: Find the leak and ducktap over it.
Torn Cloths How To Fix: Ducktape them back together.
Shoes Fallen Apart. How To Fix: Wrap them in ducktape.
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”Job Spelling”
Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."
Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."
Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh...."
Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to Little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician."