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How True!A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?""Yes, sir," answered the boy."I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?""My father, sir.""And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly."He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."
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I hadn't read this one in a while, but it is a good'en!One day a man was walking in the woods when he gotlost. For two days he roamed around trying to find away out. He had not eaten anything during this periodand was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted abald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it.Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to findhim at that moment, and arrested him for killing anendangered species.At court, he plead innocent to the charges against himclaiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he wouldhave died from starvation.The judge ruled in his favor.In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "Iwould like you to tell me something before I let yougo. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan onit. What did it taste like?"The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a crossbetween a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
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Simply Terrible!A tax collector knocked on the door of a countrydebtor. "Is Bill home?" he asked the woman whoanswered the door."Sorry," the woman replied. "Bill's gone for cotton."The next day, the collector tried again. "Is Bill heretoday?""No, sir," she said. "I'm afraid Bill has gone forcotton."When he returned the third day, he humphed, "And Isuppose Bill has gone for cotton again today?""No," the woman answered solemnly. "Bill diedyesterday." She wiped a tear with a tear-stainedhanky.Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collectordecided to wait a week and investigate the cemeteryhimself, where, sure enough, there was poor Bill'stombstone with the inscription, "Gone, But Not forCotton."
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A woman walked into a pet store. "I haven't got muchmoney", she told the clerk, "so I'd like to know ifyou've got any kittens you'll let go cheap"."I'd let them, Ma'am." said the clerk, "but theyprefer to meow."
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"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both itsgood points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'mgoing to tell you about both."The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant oneblock south and a slaughterhouse a block north.""What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer."The advantage is that you can always tell which way thewind is blowing."
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Getting Ready
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume party."
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!"
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Dear Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder - and your hand over my mouth."
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Work Ethic
I worked as an accountant in a paper mill where my boss decided that it would improve motivation to split a bonus between the two shifts based on what percentage of the total production each one accomplished.
The workers quickly realized that it was easier to sabotage the next shift than to make more paper. Co-workers put glue in locks, loosened nuts on equipment so it would fall apart, you name it. The bonus scheme was abandoned after about ten days, to avoid all out civil war.