Overheard in a computer shop... Vernon Allen: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.” Vernon Allen: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Conception Perception” When my daughter was about 10 years old I became pregnant. Of course, she wanted to know how it happened, so I gave what I considered an appropriate explanation of the process. She asked, "Did you do that to get me?" I said yes, and she responded, "And you did it again?" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Nut Sign" Sign in a nut shop: "No credit cards here. Strictly cashew and carry." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Rough Weather” A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. "I'd like a soda," said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. "Yes, I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "According to 'Consumer Research' more people are drinking soda for breakfast. It's become the new orange juice. Maybe in the trailer park where Yoo-hoo is the new champagne!" --Jay Leno *** "A chimp gave birth at a place called Chimp Haven in Louisiana. Why is this unusual? All the male chimps in the facility are given vasectomies. Maybe it was an immaculate conception. How else can you explain the three wise chimps who showed up?" --Jimmy Kimmel *** "The Reverend Jesse Jackson says that he will endorse Barack Obama. Experts say that this is risky for Jackson because not much rhymes with Obama." --Conan O'Brien ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to
use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he
wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the
auditorium a little early and realized he did not know
the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather
resourceful, he went to the part of the building where
the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors,
and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood
up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had
offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or under-
stood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish
he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon
the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told
him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom
closets!"