Driving my seven-year-old to school today, I was plugging in
my iPod, and she said, "I want to hear Back in Black," from
one of the Men in Black sound tracks.
I said, "No, I'm in the mood for something classical."
"But I don't want Mozart," she replied.
"How about Rachmaninov?" I suggested, but she remained
silent.
The Best of Rachmaninov started playing and she objected, "I
said I don't want to hear Mozart."
"It's not Mozart -- it's Rachmaninov," I replied.
"Well," she said indignantly, "I don't hear the 'rock'
part."
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I had just moved into my new apartment and had a phone installed. At that
time in Green Bay, the taverns closed at 2:00 am. At 2:00 am the phone
rang, and a slurring voice asked," Ish Sharlie there?"
Groggily I replied, "You have the wrong number, there's no Charlie here!"
and hung up.
Three minutes later the phone rang again. "Hey Sharlie, come on en get me!"
Once again I replied, "You have the wrong number, there is no Charlie here."
A few more minutes passed, and once again the phone rang. Realizing this
could go on all night I said, "Charlie can't come to the phone right now.
Call a cab and he will pay for it when you get here!"
I then sat up the rest of the night, afraid that the phone number had been
for the new apartment, and I would soon have a drunk on my doorstep.
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Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter,
another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came.
Finally Dr. Bernard sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately
strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the
back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you
owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a
gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat. On the back of the photograph the
patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
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Money isn't everything. There's also credit cards, money orders, and
travelers checks.
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"Police Pastor"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.” He got the job.
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CleanQuote
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."
- Helen Keller
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"Human Nature"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
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Brain Teasers
A puzzle-ing assortment 4U...
QUESTIONS
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching…
6. Count the “F’s” in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
5. The letter 'e' (the most common in the English language), does not appear once in the paragraph.
6. Do you think there are three? There are six F’s. Most people - especially speed readers - miss (or pass by) the 'OF' words... But if you did come up with 6 F's right away - you're either a very slow reader or you've been reading too many joe-ks!
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Psychiatric Office Answering Machine
Mental Hospital Hotline - tell someone who cares...
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”
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Seniors Having Babies
Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby...
[With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit...]
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“Because I forgot where I put him.”