Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she
and her husband were struggling with a big decision on
whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole
congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a
decision about the missionary position."
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Subtle Smuggler
A man comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answers the man.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the man overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases the man, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says the man.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the man, and the man crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for years.
One day, years later, after the guard has retired, he happens to run into the "sand" man in a cantina in
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you have been smuggling something all these years. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about… I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
The man sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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Blind Date Slap"
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
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Oneliner
"A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it."
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CleanPun - "Raise"
Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"
The boss answered, "As soon as you do."
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”Casino Heart Attacks”
Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That's if you're at a high class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
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Switching Trains
I was in
in
if I needed to switch trains in
Walking to the train, I saw the conductor and asked, "Do I need to change?"
"No," he replied immediately. "You're fine the way you are. Your bag
matches your shoes and your earrings are the same color as your
outfit. Very coordinated."
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New Restaurant
I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year
at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening
a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they
thought I was serious).
She and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said
I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison
dishes. I was going to call it "The Buck Stops Here," and my
slogan was going to be "Bambi: You've seen the movie. Now,
eat the star!"
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"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the
refrigerator." --Bill Lawrence
***
"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same
thing to me: "Basement?" --Rodney Dangerfield
***
"It's good to be back in
has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane I saw the
pilot putting the 'club' on the steering wheel."
--John Mendoza
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Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends
were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke
was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he
was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No
one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this
couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't dis-
rupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple
was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,
Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had
always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that
he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down
to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for
two."
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make
that five."
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A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit
of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend
advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her finger-
nails were growing normally.
Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervous-
ness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails
so I bite them instead."
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Cletus the Builder
Cletus and Maynard were building a house together. Cletus was cutting the wood and Maynard was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; Maynardwould reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.
Cletus, confused, watched him do this and after he could take it no longer yelled up, “Why the heck are you throwing some of the nails away?!”
“Whoa! Don’t yell!” Maynard explained, “If it’s pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!”
Cletus became irate at this point and started to call Maynard all kinds of names, referencing how stupid he was and explained the importance of keeping all the nails, “Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house! Duh!”
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Random Rants
Tatoos. Having a tattoo with Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to pass your English exam. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
Wal-Mart. I’m not the cashier! By the time I get done sliding my friggen' card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again… the kid who’s “supposed” to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Snickers bar. Paper? Plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve just been called to do a cleanup on aisle four!
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A Bun in the Oven
A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “Im having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next…
And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?”